Member
Posts: 87
Registered: ‎04-08-2018

Re: the things people say

I've got one friend who is so encouraging and says, 'You can do this, you can get through and out the other side'.

 

I've got another friend, who herselfs suffers from depression and every time I'm ill after chemo, says 'You can stop the treatment anytime you want, you don't really want to have a poorer quality of life do you'.

 

I can't think of anything more you don't want to hear from someone when you feel so ill and even doubt yourself if it's the right choice, but when you are told what the alternative would mean, I think encouraging support is so important.

 

 

Member
Posts: 87
Registered: ‎04-08-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

I've got one friend who is so encouraging and says, 'You can do this, you can get through and out the other side'.

 

I've got another friend, who herselfs suffers from depression and every time I'm ill after chemo, says 'You can stop the treatment anytime you want, you don't really want to have a poorer quality of life do you'.

 

I can't think of anything more you don't want to hear from someone when you feel so ill and even doubt yourself if it's the right choice, but when you are told what the alternative would mean, I think encouraging support is so important.

 

 

Member
Posts: 71
Registered: ‎09-05-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

Me not mum!
Member
Posts: 71
Registered: ‎09-05-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

Hi Pecan, I think you're right, I'm certain she didn't mean to upset mum.

Member
Posts: 325
Registered: ‎21-07-2017

Re: the things people say! :-)

She probably feels helpless and subconsciously) thinks it's the one way she can help.

Member
Posts: 71
Registered: ‎09-05-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

Ironically I wasn't overweight when I developed cancer.  I think she's decided the only thing she can see that I can control to prevent it coming back, not that she thinks it's my own fault... but it was hard not to hear that at the time! 

Community Champion
Posts: 2,597
Registered: ‎30-03-2016

Re: the things people say! :-)

Errrrm, and what is her theory behind this needing to lose weight thing? Surely....its not that she thinks being overweight has caused your cancer ????

Member
Posts: 71
Registered: ‎09-05-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

Oh Charys you'd think the hospital staff would know better!  Well done you for getting through the interview.

 

I've a friend who's developed a theory that I need to lose weight, really quickly, and should see this as a wake up call! I was perfectly healthy before BC, and yes I've gained weight since diagnosis, but I'm losing it slowly with GP support to make sure it doesn't yoyo back on, apparently I need to do more than my GP is asking of me... and quickly....

Community Champion
Posts: 2,597
Registered: ‎30-03-2016

Re: the things people say! :-)

[ Edited ]

"if I was you I'd just have them both off" - like a double mastectomy is a lifestyle choice with no emotional impact, medical complications or risks!!

 

Sounds so easy doesn't it Maggie !!! LOL This is dumb for many reasons, firstly for the ones you've stated. Secondly because breast cancer treatments have changed and there is something called 'breast conserving surgery' and thirdly because the treatment team may not even offer that choice or think it appropriate. Annoying !!

Community Champion
Posts: 2,597
Registered: ‎30-03-2016

Re: the things people say! :-)

Yeah, people don't mean it (I hope) they just don't know how to react - actually its fairly easy - you just listen and take cues from the person who is diagnosed. Everyone is different in the type of response they want, and so you just say 'Hi' and see how they lead it from there.

 

"My friend / colleague / sister in law / you-name-it had breast cancer x years ago, and she's fine" (or worse: "and she died")

 

Ohhhhh, I think I've told this story on this very thread....but it merits being told again. LOL After I'd finished my treatment in the summer of 2016 I went for an interview with the NHS for a voluntary role. I was rocked to the core to find out the interview was in exactly the room I had had my bc counselling - I got over it despite being shakey. The interviewer started asking about my diagnosis and treatment and said her sister had had the same at my very age. I then made the mistake of saying 'Oh did she, and how is she ?'. The exact words 'She's dead'. Seriously LOLOL I floundered and said I was sorry to hear that and the conversation continued into the type of bc she had suffered from. I continued floundering and said it sounded like a different form to mine (which it did), to which she replied 'No, I think it was the same type'. FFS !!!!!!

Member
Posts: 71
Registered: ‎09-05-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

B74 - you're right we need the laughs, and people aren't insensitive deliberately.   Your post really made me smile, it  reminded me of the lady who said, "if I was you I'd just have them both off" - like a double mastectomy is a lifestyle choice with no emotional impact, medical complications or risks!! 

 

Highlighted
B74
Member
Posts: 37
Registered: ‎06-12-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

Wow some of you have had to deal with the most incredible insensitivity! You really have to laugh because the alternative might be punching them in the face! Thankfully most of my friends and family have been kind and supportive. My biggest gripes (some of which I may have been guilty of in the past but will try to avoid ever doing again) are:

  • Not knowing what to say, so avoiding me (one acquaintance dropped off a bunch of flowers, but practically ran away down the driveway before I could get to the door!)
  • Saying "Oh don't worry about chemo, I've heard it's not that bad"
  • Saying "My friend / colleague / sister in law / you-name-it had breast cancer x years ago, and she's fine" (or worse: "and she died")

 

Also my 13 year old daughter said about my impeding mastectomy, "don't worry mum, you don't really have any boobs anyway". But I did just laugh, because one day after she's breastfed her kids, she won't have any left either!!

Member
Posts: 325
Registered: ‎21-07-2017

Re: the things people say! :-)

Thanks, no, I'm not in a position to go private.  I could try to get the hospital to refer me.  My hospital is in barnsley... not a million miles away.

Member
Posts: 27
Registered: ‎02-11-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

I know he does see private patients as well, and can give you the contact details for that if you want them

Member
Posts: 325
Registered: ‎21-07-2017

Re: the things people say! :-)

I think I need to go to him for a second/third/fourth opinion.  I am just not liking any I've seen here, and every time I get a different one.  Mind you, this last appointment, which I thought was for onc turned out to be a surgical registrar, who said they will be handling any problems I have with Letrozole, and proceeded to tell me how letrozole blocks hormones (instead of being an aromatse inhibitor) and that it had 100% efficacy. 

Member
Posts: 27
Registered: ‎02-11-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

He is called Mr Arora and is based at Tameside Hospital, Ashton-Under-Lyne, Greater Manchester. I heard nothing but good things about him from the other ladies in the breast clinic. He is kind, compassionate, and caring. He has a wonderful sense of humour at the right time, and really puts you at ease. 

Member
Posts: 325
Registered: ‎21-07-2017

Re: the things people say! :-)

What a nice surgeon!  Where is he/she?

Member
Posts: 27
Registered: ‎02-11-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

Know this is a late reply, wasn't diagnosed until middle of Sept. My breast surgeon was wonderful and throughout said WLE is NOT the easy option,

 and he advised me to take as good care of myself as I would with a larger option. I also had ANC at the same time, and he said that although the scars were not very large, underneath the skin there is a large damaged area that needs to be looked after

Member
Posts: 99
Registered: ‎19-09-2018

Re: the things people say! :-)

I think something along the lines of 'it's great the CT was clear, but total bummer it's in the other breast' would have summed up the situation....

Community Champion
Posts: 2,597
Registered: ‎30-03-2016

Re: the things people say! :-)

[ Edited ]

Awww passtamissus, thats a tough thing to hear isn't it, you are reeling and struggling and there feels like there is just ' really bad news' (the breast cancer) and 'potentially even more hideous news' (from the scan).Smiley Sad

 

I  was thinking what my response might be if you'd have told me your scan was clear - it  would be something along the lines of 'that is a relief you are at least spared an additional worry and complex treatments, ontop of what you are already facing'. Would that have been ok, or would that have been a bit off the mark too? I'm genuinely interested, as often we pick up these thoughtless comments that people make (and boy there are mannnyyyy) but I'm wondering what we would prefer them to be?