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the things people say! :-)

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

I know he does see private patients as well, and can give you the contact details for that if you want them

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

I think I need to go to him for a second/third/fourth opinion.  I am just not liking any I've seen here, and every time I get a different one.  Mind you, this last appointment, which I thought was for onc turned out to be a surgical registrar, who said they will be handling any problems I have with Letrozole, and proceeded to tell me how letrozole blocks hormones (instead of being an aromatse inhibitor) and that it had 100% efficacy. 

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

He is called Mr Arora and is based at Tameside Hospital, Ashton-Under-Lyne, Greater Manchester. I heard nothing but good things about him from the other ladies in the breast clinic. He is kind, compassionate, and caring. He has a wonderful sense of humour at the right time, and really puts you at ease. 

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

What a nice surgeon!  Where is he/she?

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Know this is a late reply, wasn't diagnosed until middle of Sept. My breast surgeon was wonderful and throughout said WLE is NOT the easy option,

 and he advised me to take as good care of myself as I would with a larger option. I also had ANC at the same time, and he said that although the scars were not very large, underneath the skin there is a large damaged area that needs to be looked after

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

I think something along the lines of 'it's great the CT was clear, but total bummer it's in the other breast' would have summed up the situation....

Community Champion

Re: the things people say! :-)

Awww passtamissus, thats a tough thing to hear isn't it, you are reeling and struggling and there feels like there is just ' really bad news' (the breast cancer) and 'potentially even more hideous news' (from the scan).Smiley Sad

 

I  was thinking what my response might be if you'd have told me your scan was clear - it  would be something along the lines of 'that is a relief you are at least spared an additional worry and complex treatments, ontop of what you are already facing'. Would that have been ok, or would that have been a bit off the mark too? I'm genuinely interested, as often we pick up these thoughtless comments that people make (and boy there are mannnyyyy) but I'm wondering what we would prefer them to be?

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Oh Melanie what a brilliantly awful collection of clumsy comments- I’m glad I made you smile. I’ve had my op and rads and now settling into the shock to the system that is Tamoxifen & people’s assumptions about me being ‘done’! Have a fabulous holiday and remember the lovely ladies on this forum are a great source of support when you start treatment.

Pastamissus - I’m really sorry to hear you need more treatment.

Love & hugs Maggie xx
Community Champion

Re: the things people say! :-)

"I never thought I’d be the only one with my own breasts"

 

Oh.....my......word! The answer to that one is - yeah and we [ the other two sisters] never thought we'd be the ones to get all the intelligence to share!

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

telling people I have cancer in the other breast and need a mastectomy but the CT was clear gets a 'great news!'

I realise the CT is definitely great news, but I still need another mastectomy!!!

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Maggie 48 your post did make me smile as I know exactly what you mean.

 

Having been recently diagnosed with invasive lobular and invasive tubular in one breast I insisted I have further scanning of my clear breast to make sure nothing had been missed there. When I was told there was nothing the response from my sister was “you must be so relieved” ! Yes I’m about to go on for a mastectomy and sentinel node remodel I’m ecstatic. Same sister, who is renowned for her lack of tact said “ I never thought I’d be the only one with my own breasts “ ( younger sister had a mastectomy 15 years ago). Leaves me speechless.

 

Work colleague when told said “at least you’ll get Xmas off work”

 

Brother in law offered my hubby help sirthing things out when I’m gone. He was rapidly sent packing and told he has no place in my life or recovery.

 

Begining to think I’m surrounded by idiots but guess it’s really that they don’t know what to say so end up saying the wrong thing

 

hey ho hope you’re recovery is going well. I’ve postponed my op until 7/12 so I can have a much looked forward to holiday and then knuckle down to dealing with this.

 

huge hugs and much love xx Melanie 

 

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Too late, she has already booked flight and changed it once, and my sister paid for a night in a hotel for her. She never asked what I wanted. My husband thinks she means well but I should have been more firm. Anyway, the surgery date could still be postponed if the CT scan I had yesterday doesn't come back clean. Small probability and I sure hope not but we cannot be sure and it is all very stressful and her coming is not helpful.

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Aww Wahini, maybe you can diplomatically state that the hospital feel it is best for you to have no guests or visitors until you are well into recovery time. There are times when we are entitled to be selfish - and when it is our own health and well-being and mental state that we have to be selfish about, I think it is completely justified. Unless she is just trying to say that she doesn't want to interfere, but just be sure you are okay, which is nice - but she can do that when you are up to appreciating her company?
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

🤦🏻‍♀️ That’s awful Wahini. Do you not feel that you can ask her to stay away untill you are better?
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

My mum lives in another country and she wants to visit me in hospital when I am having surgery and come home with me after. She said, I am not going to take care of you (cooking and cleaning), I just want to be near you during those days. Well, what good is that then? I am certainly not going to cook and clean for her. Luckily I have my husband who is very supportive, I prefer it would be just the two of us.

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

had thickening of the skin and a hard area in left breast which lead to initial mastectomy. Then they found it was lobular so did MRI of other breast, biopsy come back showing cancer there as well, so right mastectomy planned. No, I don't think I did anything to get breast cancer other than have an aunt who's had it 4 times...

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

I am curious to know what were the early symptoms that you noticed before you visited the hospital. Seeing a lump is an obvious symptom. Do you remember seeing any other symptoms even before the lump? Also, did you ever feel that some particular habit of yours caused you cancer. Your own self realisation kind of thing..

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

I would find that comment upsetting too, Pastamissus, I think it's rather cruel. It's difficult to live with depression just as it's difficult to live with cancer, but that's what we have to do; find a way of living with them. Actively fighting health issues tends to increase stress and make everything worse.

 

Have you tried telling your friend you found her observation unhelpful? Perhaps a simple mention that you're not fighting anything, just making the best of the situation you're in and looking at life constructively.

 

Generally I don't think other people want to hurt us, but there are plenty of people around who have an urge to manage our feelings for us, and see this as helping. Perhaps a little kindly redirection prompts them to think again.

Community Champion

Re: the things people say! :-)

Hi Pastamissus,
Well, that was not very helpful, it’s not like we have a choice 🤔.
As ever, those who haven't been through it are generally well meaning but don’t hit the right note at times. Looking back, I was guilty of it myself in the past.
ann x
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Background: I have had depression for over 27 years, been on medication most of that time and have spent alot of time feeling suicidal. Things have been good the past 7 years, and now I have breast cancer I don't want to die.

A friend who knows this background, when I told her I was likely looking at a second mastectomy for cancer in the other breast helpfully commented 'so you've decided to fight it'

For some reason, that really upset me. I'm not fighting anything, I have an illness that I'm trying to cope with with medical help.

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

That's shocking, Zellah. Do let us know what your BCN says about this and what, if anythine, she does about it.

 

Here's hoping the rest of your treatment goes smoothly and helpfullly.

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Hello Quaggie, that's a funny name, well I been through similar, like you terrified after waiting 6 hours, getting more anxious, the anesthetist said , she was running late, the pump needed changing it was empty, meanwhile I will get some pain relief in you so you don't feel things when the surgeon performs on you. So I felt really frieghtened, & said I hope the anesthetic works!! Woke up in tears, of releif.  I hope this helps reassure others, that are going through the same, that we are having to put up with enough anxiousness, aswell as lack of empthay & brashness , due to their familiarity with routine, from medical staff.  So do an email to CQC, any other organisations , I going to ask bcn.  I told my   GP ,  I need to be referred somewhere else if I need more surgery, she said she agrees ,  not good enough waiting 6 hours & been treated with inappropriateness.  

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Golly Appletree,
Read your post with great interest and chuckles at your opposing treat "dislike" with an "irritating like", that's also defusing. I take my hat off to you, lady, and shall try to always keep it in mind for my own future. As I said "Diplomacy" should be your middle name.

Chick1 - Yeh I agree. That's a great link. Funny but straight to the point also. Thank you for it.

Say a friendly "Hi" to your colleagues from me, Alibobs !! ( ;-) I've got a little snigger going on with that)
Love to everyone xxxxxx
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

A great link.  Yes, people say the oddest things which I agree is often down to their own fears of getting breast cancer.

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Hello all, 

 

Just came across this article that highlights some things that may not be helpful to say and possible helpful responses.  Hope the link works!! 

 

https://www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2014/10/what-not-say-breast-cancer-patient.html

 

Sorry,  if I interrupted the back to work discussion.  Hope it all works out for you.  

 

Regards 🐣 chick

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Well, Delly, I'm neither a psychologist nor a lawyer, but I've had to learn quite a bit about human nature and how to manage very difficult situations prompted by extremely difficult people. Not saying I'm an expert, but I have triumphed on more than one occasion.

 

Many years ago I took up a job in what was to me a new part of the country; this was to be a really promising career move. Over a few months, I discovered that there was another woman in that Institution who had thought my job was hers by rights, but hadn't been interviewed as the Director of the Institution didn't think she was suitable. She was working in admin and my job was academic. She had a 'thing' for my own Line Manager, apparently they had been inseparable, so she 'persuaded' my LM to create a second post (in effect half my own). The LM then 'persuaded' the Director to appoint her (I shall call her Madonna - not her real name). The Director was a rather weak person and gave in for the sake of peace. By then, there was a new Deputy Director who didn't know the history to all this, and was even weaker. 

 

Problems Problems. I was side-lined very quickly so had to watch how I was treated and the work I took up. I politely and firmly insisted on keeping to my job description, which was quite detailed.This annoyed both Madonna and the LM.

 

The Institution was spread over several sites, and it reached me that Madonna was slandering me (some of what she was claiming was seriously slanderous) in the main building, where she had worked in admin for many years. As I was very new to that Insitution and to that town, I had to be very careful. I didn't know anyone, was in the process of buying a house and could not up-sticks and move. I made a point of getting to know colleagues on the main site and being friendly and helpful, without saying anything critical of Madonna. Sure enough, her behaviour became more desperate as mine remained diplomatic, friendly and supportive.

 

On the site where Madonna and I were stationed, she became extremely provocative. It was clear she was trying to make me boil over so she could make a formal complaint, so I did the opposite, i.e. was consistently pleasant, cheerful and helpful. It occurred to me that as I was very much a new girl, people would not come to my defence unless they could see the situation getting really really nasty, with her behaviour going over the top and my behaviour being consistently reasonable and co-operative. In was in my interests to encourage Madonna to get worse, painful though that was. So, whenever she was foul mouthed, I would offer to make her a cup of tea, or do something else kind for her. She hated being in the same room as me so as soon as she went into a side rooom, I would find some excuse to go in there too, e.g. to photocopy something. She would growl and flounce out again back to her desk. So I would innocently return to my own desk, which would prompt her to growl even more loudly and go off downstairs. I would remain detached.  

 

It worked. A colleague from the main site phoned me up and advised me not to turn my back on Madonna if she had something heavy in her hand (yes, really). Eventually, staff on the main site complained to the Director that matters were getting out of hand, and that the problem didn't lie with me as I was being reasonable. They were revising their views of Madonna, and could see the same level of nastiness getting out of control across the Institution. There was an investigation and a meeting prompted by senior staff. I was exonerated in front of the shop steward; Madonna and our Line Manager were both given written warnings. Madonna was moved to a different site under a different LM.

 

I then had to work similar psychology on my LM. He played some very silly games, so I stuck to my job like glue and was helpful and supportive of him. I had to behave to him as though I liked him as, of course, if people think we like them they are more likely to like us, so we can then build a mutually helpful relationship. It was painful but it worked. After a year we had a decent working relationship and he actually apologised for his earlier treatment of me.

 

I'm not suggesting that Alibobs' colleagues are anything like as underhand as the people I've known, but similar psychology might help. Assuming the Asian colleagues are nice, shy people who are just a bit immersed in their own culture and protecting themselves, friendliness could bring them out of their shells. And if the Line Manager is trying to sideline Alibobs, then she will see how good A is at getting on with colleagues of all cutlures and will not be able to claim anything against her.

 

Chin up everyone; keep going.

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Hi Delly I'm.afraid this job will be my last employment b4 I retire as I'm almost 62. I cannot face the rigours of going through interviews etc at this stage in my life. I only work part time now anyway so i will just see how it goes. I'm on phased return so only doing a few hours per day at first. I will keep you posted how it goes. Thank you for your concern 💖💖💖
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Wow appletree - That's an amazingly diplomatic suggestion. Very subtle approach, without any threat. you're not a psychologist by any chance are you?? I'd have never thought of that.

Alibobs - I hope it all goes well for you darlin girl. Are you a legal exec or something like that? Am only asking, as to how easy a person you may be, to gain employment elsewhere, should you need to, in the worst case scenario. If it doesn't work, I'll get Appletree to join me in sorting them out for you,by other methods, hey?!

Good luck. Am keen to hear how you go on

Lots of love to everyone

Delly xxxx   

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Thanks Delly and Appletree. I will certainly take your suggestions on board and try to turn it round to my advantage. Will just see how things go. Thanks again and hope everyone is having a great bank holiday weekend despite this filthy weather!!💖💖💖
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Oh dear Alibobs, what a nasty situation to be in. I agree with Delly that your Asian colleagues sound very rude and rather racist. I do empathize and would find returning to work very daunting.

 

Is there some way in which you can turn things round to work to your advantage? It's horribly easy to allow other people to trample us into a corner, especially if we're feeling fragile after illness, so I'm wondering how you can take your boss and these particular colleagues by surprise, whilst giving yourself some control over the situation and building your own confidence.

 

I might be completely up the creak with my suggestions, in which case please excuse me, but here are a few thoughts.

 

Can you prompt some conversation with your Asian Colleagues? Is there anything you can ask their advice on, such as something to do with Asian food you'd like to try? What type of Asian dress do they wear? Is it the very subdued type of Muslim garments, or are they wearing colourful scarves you could admire? 

 

I'm also wondering whether you might ask them to update you on what has been happening in the workplace whilst  you've been on sick leave. People often do like being asked for advice. If other colleagues have been shunning them, perhaps they feel rather left out, so are clinging to each other and their own culture in defence. They might rise to the occasion if you can give them a lead on working together in some way. (On the other hand, I might be completely misjudging the situation.)

 

It sounds as though other non-Asian colleagues haven't made much effort with/got very far with this little clique, so if you can find a way of bringing them out a bit and prompting some English conversation, you could be earning brownie points and defying any attempt on your Boss's part to put you at a disadvantage.

 

Good luck with your return to work.

Highlighted
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Well I know it sounds bad but I live in Bradford!!!😲 I work for a bank in their probate department. My Manager is not Asian and I know we have to have diversity in the workplace but they seem to get away with murder!! I have actually reported them b4 for the language thing but nothing got done!! I may add I have worried there 18 years so it's not as though I am a rookie!! Just think because of my age and illness they may be trying to force me out as they do have a history of treating other long term colleagues this way!! I think they just want a must cheaper, younger workforce, albeit moat of them can't put a grammatically correct sentence together!!! Oh well I'll have to bite the bullet!!!!
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Oh Alibobs.
Golly, 10 months!
Did your manager give you a "reason" why she's moved your desk?? Think you're owed a very good one! Is she Asian? That all sounds rather racist and rude of your Asian colleagues really. It's acceptable out of work, or during breaks, but not really whilst working, when other people have to work with alongside. I'd consider it rude. Anyway, shouldn't they be working rather than chatting??!
What do you do and where do you live?? Ha, No, I'm not going to send in the heavies!! Just interested what part of the country.
Lots of love to you and everyone else xxxxxx
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Well I'm returning to work on 3rd September after 10 months in sick leave. I am dreading it!! My manager had confirmed she has moved my desk to sit with a group of colleagues who are all of diffrrent ethnic origin to me. Im not being racist here but this group of girls all speak to each other about their own religious lives and in their own language and they dress all in the same Asian fashions. They do not integrate with my other colleagues, we have nothing in common and I will be like a fish our of water amongst them. Im already getting stressed about this. I can't say anything to my manager as it would look like I am being racial predujist against them. I do believe she has done this as she knows I will be uncomfortable sitting with them. Think they want me out of the door!!!!!
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

It makes me so sad to read these posts of insensitivite conduct of company HR idiots!!

I have to say it is the same now in Education; I retired from teaching as soon as could as the new ‘breed’ of head teacher is only concerned about school performance and not the staff or indeed the pupils!!! Thankfully I didn’t have to cope with bc whilst still working.

 

I hope you lovely ladies ignore all that rubbish and take time to care for yourselves...and enjoy the holidays too.

 

People don’t realise that you only see 10% of a person at face value...who knows what the other 90% is sufferering.

 

Best wishes to everyone and hope you’re feeling ok today.

love Rosie xx

 

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

This is a total disgrace. I was going to say that I couldn't believe that people can say such things but past experiences show they can. I think a very real problem now is that most organisations outsource their HR functions to faceless money making companies who are paid based on the number of people they get back to work The idiot who said that to your friend probably has no life experience and thinks that an operation and a few pills will cure cancer I was personally amazed by a friend of mine who is a senior teacher in a large school who was shocked when I said I had to go to hospital every week day for radiotherapy. She thought you had a powerful x-ray once and that was it. Still so much ignorance out there. I do hope the lady in question does not go back till she is ready. Fortunately there is very good employment legislation protecting the rights of people just like us from uncaring and unfeeling employers. Xx
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Oh geez, those HR staff deserve to hauled over the coals for that sort of treatment of staff!!  They are legally obliged to help staff return to work in appropriate fashion and should know how to talk to people.  It's so disappointing that they are failing people in this way.  

I think I'm lucky that I'm taking a break from work for the time being so I don't have the pressure of returning to work before I'm ready, although I am missing the social aspect of work at the moment especially as my colleagues in my last place were so supportive and understanding.  

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Sue

 

That’s dreadful !! Does she have a sister - sounds like our own beloved HR person ! 😄

You go on that holiday and enjoy yourself, s@d them...you are so entitled to put yourself first here, ( I had a similar carry on, we went after my surgery on 4th July, I kept getting almost daily calls from Occ Health but ignored it.. we so needed that holiday.)

 

Have a great time! 

xx 

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Omg Thistledown that sounds like the place I work!!! When I told my supervisor in work she was all sympathetic and then seconds later saying how lucky I was not to have to go work! as much as I’m not in love with my job I’d rather be going in every day than having ops and radio therapy lol she has also been grilling everyone as to what I’m up to, because god forbid I left the house one day to go for lunch with my husband and someone from work saw me and told her.
I had to have a second WLE last week because there wasn’t a clear margin after the first and when I told her I wanted to say ‘see I may look ok when I go out for lunch but inside I’m still going through hell’ but I kept it to myself lol we are going away next week to Lanzarote which was booked last year before any of this happened the doctor has said it will do me good to go but it is killing her that I’m on the sick and going on holiday, sometimes I wonder is she thoughtless or just stupid lol
Love reading all the comments on here it’s beyond belief the way some people think
Sue x
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

I have just heard of a cracker of an inappropriate comment, a young friend of mine got diagnosed with BC a few months before I did. It was triple negative Grade 3, and she has been through the mill of mental agony, and chemo and rads...

(Our place of employment does not hold any medals for staff welfare, her line manager visited her whilst she was waiting for her chair in the Chemo Day Unit to ask when she thought she’d be back at work ?)

She went back after much nagging, far too soon, whilst still undergoing radiotherapy, and the planned phased return turned in to full time after exactly one week..so she went to her GP and got another sick note, until her treatment ended and she was recovered from the effects.

Apparently the supposed ‘HR manager’ - although we don’t really have one as our HR was contracted out ages ago (this is the Civil Service btw), rang her at home to ask ‘what was the reason for her being off sick now?’ 

Friend - ‘Has the doc not written it on the sick note?’ 

Woodentop (aka HR) - ‘Yes, but it says Breast Cancer - you can’t still have that surely...’

 

Words absolutely failed me - dreading my own return...if I encounter The Enlightened One and get something similar, I’ll be no doubt summarily sacked, - if I can refrain from actual ABH !! 😖😄

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Excellent Rosieposie

 

I think I'll keep a similar one up my sleeve: 'Thank Heavens for the NHS.'

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Pecan and Rosie I like those answers!! x
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Exactly Pecan!!

 

I usually respond to the ‘You're looking very well’ comment by ‘I’m being very well looked after.’ That covers it!! 

Both the treatment and care from the medical team and my lovely husband. Then I don’t have to explain anything more.

 

Maggie48 - your husband sounds really wonderful!! That’s what you need by your side.

 

Hope everyone is doing well today.

Take care.

Rosie xx

Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

I have just thought of a response to those who say we are brave:

"Why, what would you have done?"

Community Champion

Re: the things people say! :-)

Yes, defo everything in moderation, especially wine!...cheers 🍷🥂
ann x
Community Champion

Re: the things people say! :-)

👍
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Quite right Jill, everything in moderation!! Yes I got it right second time around 😉
Community Champion

Re: the things people say! :-)

And yes wine is allowed !! Just maybe not the whole bottle .
Community Champion

Re: the things people say! :-)

You are very lucky to have him Maggie - despite the blackhead comment !
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

Oh I agree ladies I’m not ‘more able to cope’, strong or brave either, just getting on with it as I didn’t fancy leaving it untreated!

Some other recent crackers -
‘You’re coping so well’
“I’d be hopeless, I don’t know how you cope”
Are you sure you’re allowed wine?
They have other drugs for all the side effects though, right? (Wouldn’t that be amazing if it was true!?)

I know people are kind in their impatience for us to ‘feel better’ and ‘get back to normal’ but as my hubstar said, ‘I expect we’ll go forward to a new normal to be honest.. the treatment is at least 5 years, not just the op’ I was super proud, then I cried, then I had a glass of wine!

P.s. he’s not perfect I had my planning and 3 tiny tattoos spots today, apparently they look like blackheads - charming 🙄
Member

Re: the things people say! :-)

..................'this could be the thing to kick start a healthier life for you'!

 

Quaggie, that's just bl**** patronising. It says a great deal for your constraint that you didn't tell your 'friends' it might be to their benefit to try it themselves.