30-10-2018 09:43 PM
Hi just wanted to ask how you are getting on Nicky? Hoping things are moving along now. So much worse when you are just left waiting for decisions. Thinking of you love Lily xx
26-10-2018 08:02 AM
Many thanks ladies for your support and shared stories. Lily, it sounds all very familiar! Dad is now back ‘home’ so to speak but the coroner still has to make a decision about whether there is an inquest or not, hopefully not as if there is one the delay will continue. My brothers are being very supportive but I am making sure they know the ins and outs of me going in each day, something they can’t do as they are both in full time jobs. Having seen how my OHs sister has taken the brunt of the everyday visiting to my parents in law over the years, but not made her grievances known to OH and his siblings, I am making sure I’m not going to end up in the same boat - as I always said I would should this situation arise!
Carole, it’s never very helpful when one relative comments on what others have chosen is the best route - but don’t offer a better solution! Far better for them to hold their tongues, but of course they’d never dream of that would they? Hope Mum is more comfortable in her new home and gets the care she needs. Glad Mr P is home for a few days (weeks?) and can help with sorting out all the jobs that must build up over time. Great you have tickets to the Barcelona GP, my OH went to that one many years ago as a corporate client and loved it. Barcelona itself is pretty amazing so I hope you have time to enjoy the city as well. If you’ve never been to a GP before remember to take some good ear plugs, the sound is incredible and one of the amazing things is that as you walk closer and closer to the track you can hear the cars screaming away even from many miles away (and that’s just where the car parks are ha ha). Hope the injection sorts out your problems.
Lisa, thanks as well from you, I know you are always busy so don’t worry about not posting before, I know your thoughts are with me. Hope you have some nice things planned over the next few months, tell us about them if you have 😊
Anyway, bye for now, I have a day off from being a carer as we have friends over this evening so I’m making sure I’m still doing the things I want to do, even though so far I’ve not had a weekday ‘off’ to do anything I want to do!
25-10-2018 11:10 PM
Oh I've jus logged on first time since weekend away,I'm so so sorry about your news Nicky and so sorry I haven't been around. Wha a very sudden way of it to happen, glad it was on the way back and opefully they had amazing holiday. I can only imagine how awful I had been for you and you taking all the brunt,please come back for any support. Big hugs xxx
24-10-2018 04:05 PM
Hi everyone. Nicky Its a familiar story. One of my brothers (neither of whom had a family) decided WE would all live there all the time, sharing out the days. It was uncomfortable to refuse to do it but I still had my son at school and he would have been left to get up and go to school on his own. Boys do not do this at 12! Anyway I quickly realised that everything you start doing for the bereaved parent, you then have to go through a difficult process of getting out of it, so it doesn't become the norm very quickly. I always say I lost both parents and became the parent myself. I did ring her every day, with a fast dialogue about how busy I was that day or helping out with gc, before we got to the inevitable when are you coming over. I am still ringing her every day 14 years later but that is ok with me. We got mum to join some local organisations which were not all couples. She went to WI, at U3A she joined 2 groups about things she was interested in, then other things like inviting friends to stay for a bit. The repatriation part is tough. My dad took 3 weeks to get back. He has to be embalmed and travel in a zinc lined coffin, due to restrictions when people die. He had a post mortem there but when they translated his documents over here, they said it was a disease nobody has lived beyond 40 with and he was in his 70s, so it had to be done again which delayed the funeral another spell. I am assuming/hoping they had good insurance as it was £25,000 bill to get dad back and it was a long time ago. It was all hanging around and then the last part was fast as he went straight to our local undertaker who phoned on Easter sunday to say you dad is back, we have him safely home with us now. The time delay did make me able to remember the day better though and think all the things I wanted to. So be firm but kind with mum. I recommend pre-preparing comments like well I will see you on?? (giving an actual day but not the next day) but it will be a quick catch up and cup of tea or shall we pop out to?? Get her out of the house. Double up on jobs, I'm going to tesco shall I pick you up and we can shop together. Tell your brothers that you are seeing her ? and ? days this week so if they can avoid these days and see her on any of the others. Let their consciences decide what they want to do. I know you will have all this in your head but just a few ideas of what worked for me. Never feel guilty, think what you would want your girls to do in a similar situation and I guarantee it won't be to sacrifice your whole life. Good luck xx
Carole what are these relatived doing trying to pass on guilt? Somebody needs to be blunt and say she was being eating alive with bedbugs, not eating and not safe so now she has someone caring for her. Only other option is to say would you like her to come and live with you as an alternativeif yoiu don't want her in a home? That should make her think. Keep telling your sis she did the right thing so she doesn't doubt herself. I didn't realise people stayed in hospital after steroid injections, hope all is ok? While I am attemting to throw a few Lily ideas out there. With the dogs' feet have an old washing up bowl of water outside and swish their feet in it as its much gentler than rubbing off mud. I leave an old bath towel on the floor so the dog walks on that which soaks up the worst of any damp feet and saves the floor. Hugs to all Lily xx
24-10-2018 09:13 AM
Hi Nicky, it seems very unfair when a loved one dies, having to deal with so much paperwork, insurances, banks, mortgages (if they have one) etc. I remember well when my BIL died very suddenly at 54. I stayed with my sister for 2 weeks helping to sort this out. You need to get a lot of death certificates (which I presume will be in Spanish, so will these be necessary to translate for UK people)?
Do they carry out a PM? Here in France they never do one, unless the death is suspicious. I feel that can be wrong as sometimes it is necessary for closure to know the reason why someone leaves us.
My Dad passed away suddenly, he was 82, and went the best way possible - during the night in his sleep. But this can be no way as devastating as repatriation. We lived here in France at this time so had to leave as quickly as possible to get to Mum, again I helped with all her sorting out, she didn't really have a clue.
And of course you have all this to deal with, along with your own grief. Try not to bottle it up so come here and moan and groan as much as you want, we will all listen. Lots of hugs xx
On a different topic, my Mum is now in a permanent nursing home. I've seen her room by video message and it looks really nice. Unfortunately we have a bit of an issue with my Aunt who totally disagrees with Mum being in a nursing home so makes derogatory remarks whenever she visits, especially about the staff, none of whom are white European! This doesn't help matters as her comments make Mum unsettled and she is thinking there will be a "better" place somewhere. Heck no, this home is one of the better ones. They seem to look after Mum very well, some are trained nurses. My sister bears the brunt of these remarks. Things like "I would never have put your Nan in a home". My sister is 71 and not in great health herself so remarks like that are really unfair.
We have had some extreme rainy days, only a couple but consequently because the ground has been wet both dogs have scuffed all the dead grass (dead because of months of heat) and caused areas of pure mud. Not a joy to have treading into the house. We have a back door they can use to go in and out, but will still not allow me to wipe them off (they think I'm playing) and hate me touching their feet to remove the mud. Aero has huge paws and gets big clumps of mud stuck inside. Mea the female has been in season for just over 2 weeks, I'm beginning to think it will never stop as she's not very good at cleaning herself. Oh joy!
Did I mention we have tickets to go to the Barcelona Grand Prix next year? We're really looking forward to it. Mind you we have no one who can look after both the dogs and the 4 cats. I'm thinking of joining a site called Trusted Housesitters, my friend has used them and the people she has had have been very good with her animals. So if anyone knows anyone who fancies a week in the Dordogne in May???????
YD travelled around Italy for 19 days and has now moved into her own flat. She is starting work as a teaching assistant on 5 November, so it didn't take her long to find a job. She will also be setting up her own translation business. Luckily she will have Wednesdays off and the weekends.
I'm having a visit to the UK in 3 weeks time, to visit Mum and also spends some time with the grandchildren. GD is standing but not quite walking yet.
Tonight Mr P is home and we have a lot planned before he goes back to work, nothing exciting just routine jobs like closing the pool and making a fenced area (with the stones that compact hard) so they can go out without treading in mud.
Tomorrow I'm having a steroid injection in my back, so have to stay in hospital for one night.
All from me for now hugs to all xxx
23-10-2018 07:40 AM
Lily, for once I have a few moments in the morning to log on! It is very tiring I can tell you that - although of course I don’t need to tell you, you went through it as well. My Mum lives about 20 mins drive away which is quite an easy drive but going up and back each day adds to the tiredness, and that’s before the weather starts to close in! Because I stayed there pretty permanently the first 3-4 days after it happened I really have strong feelings that I don’t want to be suckered into agreeing to stay there on and off, from now on! Between my brothers and I we are managing although I’m taking the brunt of the day to day stuff and endless phone calls. My Mum is very with it mentally but her bad cold and just the sudden death seems to have turned her into early stage dementia! And I know what that’s like as my FIL has it. So it’s constant repeating of things and trying to find where she put somedocumwnts etc. Sounds like I’m being very cruel but I am aware how it is taking it’s toll and I know I have to setup back a bit, if only to get her to not rely on me so much but to get in touch with some of her relatives who I’m sure will be more than willing to help. Added to the fact we can’t even arrange the cremation yet due to the repatriation it is dragging on so much. A funeral service would give some point of reference for us all to grieve and meet with everyone affected by my Dads death in one place. As it is I think it’s at least another 2 weeks away! Sorry for the moaning it’s good to spill it out to someone not affected by this.
I’ll be back in touch again soon
22-10-2018 11:40 PM
Hi Nicky, I just wanted to see how you are. It must be really busy organising everything and helping to support your mum. I remember hardly having time to actually think about my own grief until long after the event as mum was so very needy. So take care of yourself too. Hope you manage a bit of relaxation over the weekend with the birthday events. Thinking of you. Love Lily xxx
19-10-2018 12:18 AM
Oh Nicky its just grim isn't it? I can still remember the day I got that call and not in any kind of calm way either, just mania and you hope you will wake up and find its not actually true. I used to say to people I lost more than my dad when he died because I instantly lost my mum too and had to become her mum and be there every minute possible, she was so needy and didn't know anything at all about her own finances. Glad to hear that the tour company have been supportive. Love your sense of humour. Can I add we better remind each other not to go to Spain as a destination when we get further down the track, clearly dodgy! Getting a cold on top is pants and bloody unfair. Take care of yourself as stress will be high for a while. Have you had your flu jab yet? Good idea to take a step outside the firing line and enjoy OH s birthday. Also it will help long term as your brothers will get involved more and stay involved so you don't take it all on as well as letting them feel like they have done something to help, which is important too. Get them involved as much as poss to lighten/share the emotional and physical load. Once again sending hugs love Lily xxx
18-10-2018 05:09 PM
18-10-2018 07:46 AM
My Dad also died in Spain and even worse it was at the airport just as they were going to the gate! This made it even more difficult for my Mum as ‘being airside’ meant she didn’t have the Saga holiday rep there to help so was basically on her own and there was a lot of paperwork and hanging around to deal with before she could get back to the other side of passport control where the rep was and get that support. Anyway the holiday insurance company have been excellent and have dealt with all of the official bits including the repatriation. As our family has quite a dry sense of humour we have said that if you’re going to use any travel company and insurance when you’re in your 80s you’d use Saga as they must be very used to these situations 😉
Anyway it is quite exhausting both mentally and physically plus 8 have picked up the cold that my Mum brought back from Spain (and my Dad had, which could have been a contributing factor) so I’m not feeling 100%. However it was OHs birthday yesterday and we are sticking with our weekend celebration as my brothers are stepping in to help Mum. Will be in touch and hope all you ladies are doing OK.
17-10-2018 11:01 PM
Dear Nicky, I am sorry to read this sad news. It must have been a terrible shock for your poor mum and then all of you as you heard the news. So unexpected. I will be thinking of you at this very sad time. It sounds very like my dad who died In Spain while on holiday with my mum and it made a difficult situation so very much more difficult as there are a large number of legal and medical things to sort out and she was there on her own. If I can be of any help with any part please just ask or pm me as I may have dealt with the same thing. We found people were very kind and I hope you are finding supportive people too as you deal with getting him home. Sending you a big hug and lots of love Lily xx
16-10-2018 06:13 PM
Just a very quick post from me to explain my absence. After all these years of saying how bad the health of my in laws is and how my parents seem fine my Dad sadly died unexpectedly last week. It has been a complete shock to the family, and of course my Mum who I have been supporting. Although she lives fairly locally it is still taking up a huge amount of my time, in fact all of it, looking after her and dealing with all the paperwork. To add to the complications it happened just as they were returning from holiday so we have the whole repatriation to deal with as well.
I will be back in touch at some point but probably only once things have calmed down a bit and I have more time.
08-10-2018 10:14 PM - edited 08-10-2018 10:17 PM
Hi all, yipppeeeee nicky, what amazing news so happy for you and your family, that's such good news, get another holiday booked 😎✈️😜.
lily, anything booked for half term? We have just booked a week in Tenerife and the start of November so coming around fast.
went to see kylie last week in Liverpool, wasn't so keen but she was really good and enjoyed it and then comedy night sat gone and then this weekend weekend in Manchester and Blackpool for rugby final and a country night in Nashville. So diet is going to take a hammering. Lost 1stone 4lb in 5 weeks but will be a gain this week as been so naughty grhhh....
carol, so sorry about your mum but in a way may give you some comfort that she's been looked after better. Hope you aren't going to be too lonely xxx
well of to do the dishes rock and roll life lol 👍😀
07-10-2018 10:02 PM
Hi everyone. Nicky its was only when I read your post that I realised I hadn't actually replied to your last one??? Not sure how that happened. Fantastic news. I am pleased for you and thank you for letting me know. I would definitely have run out of that door quick too. Your family must be so pleased too for you to have a more settled spell after so many big treatments and procedures. I am smiling while typing, I am so very pleased to hear your good news.Maybe a few trips can be planned then
Carole sorry I hadn't replied to you either! Such mixed emotions when they move out, I know them well. Secretly hoping my son will be around for a while yet, whilst saving to get on the property market one day. Your daughter has done very well and I guess her own place is the next natural step for her. I am sure you will still see and hear a lot from her. Is is driveable to her place? Did you watch the run? It always makes me emotional seeing them run with my name on their back. I think it helps them to do something positive too. Such a good cause to help. I can feel your anguish about your mum going into a nursing home but hopefully it will mean you and the family can have a little peace of mind knowing someone is there for her and she is being well looked after. No bed bugs there, I am sure. I hated that story and how unfair it was for her to have to endure it. Lisa are you still working hard with the new organisation? Take care all Love Lily xx
07-10-2018 08:37 PM
Again, a very quick post from me whilst I have a quiet moment on a Sunday evening with our grandson fast asleep upstairs. His mum has had to work at a trade fair this weekend and his dad is currently in the nights section of his shift pattern so it has been up to us, and his other grandparents to help out. Fingers crossed we have a good night as he’s been a little bit clingy today.
A yeah, I will read posts and catch up in the week but just wanted to all to know that my latest scan report was good, all stable nd presumably no evidence of mets in the liver still. I say ‘presumably’ because my previous onc used to show me my scan picture and let me read the report so I knew everything however the new one just told me it was good and to continue with the current treatment. I was too relieved to ask to see anything so I left without knowing the exact details and also to get out of there fast in case he changed his mind! So, this gives me another 3 months until the next scan on what I would call a very unintrusive treatment which is a welcome relief after all the recent years of chemo. Less hospital visits and blood tests as well which is an added bonus - I’m making the most of it!
Hope you all had a good weekend and have a good week.
01-10-2018 09:01 AM - edited 01-10-2018 09:05 AM
Yes the mornings and evenings are definitely chillier now, we've had some nice sunny days though but not in the high 30s like through the summer. We still haven't had rain so I'm still watering pots and some plants. It's crazy, having had so much rain in the Spring for the last 3 months we've had none.
Lily yes I do still have dexa scans, and mammograms once a year. I'm booked into have an injection in my back on 25 Oct. We don't know if it will help but worth a try.
Nicky the part of Italy you mention is not where we went last year, and it sounds interesting. Sometimes it is nice to see parts of places where the tourists generally don't go. Have you caught up with your washing yet?
YD is in Italy at the moment, taking a well deserved holiday after all her studies. She is moving into her own flat by the end of the month. It's 45 mins away so at least not too far to visit her. She had a telephone interview last week, they wanted to conduct a face to face interview tomorrow, which sadly YD can't do because she won't be in France. It's a job being an English teaching assistant so the school hours would be nice and could give her the chance to be working on her own business she will try to set up. We will see, she hasn't really been looking for work too much because of being away this month.
Yesterday YD and some friends ran a 5 km track in aid of breast cancer. Quite a feat for her as she doesn't really like exercise - she takes after me lol. They (all the runners) raised 45,000 euros so not bad.
I'm home alone now for 3 weeks, so apart from the dogs and cats it's quite strange to be alone again! I don't like it but needs must.
Mum will be moving into a nursing home (out of independant living care). The social team decided it was time. I feel sad that Mum has come to this, but we all have to get old and she has done so well until about 4 years ago.
That's about all from me for now. Love Carole xx
30-09-2018 09:11 AM
A quick update from me as we on,y got back yesterday afternoon from our holiday to Puglia in Italy. We had a lovely time and it is a totally different part of Italy to the ones we have visited before. It isn’t so touristy, unlike the Lakes, Rome, Venice etc. but has some really beautiful towns which we enjoyed visiting. The countryside is also completely different as it’s very southerly so a bit more like Malta with palm trees, cactus etc and then huge areas of Olive trees as it produces most of Italy’s olive oil. Very relaxing as we didn’t have any particular agenda other than to visit the towns that we knew about. We stayed in 3 different places so we could explore the areas around them without travelling too far each day. The weather was so hot when we got there last weekend but got cooler as the week went on. Always bright sunshine with fabulous blue skies and the Adriatic was incredibly blue and clear. It didn’t get as cool as it is here in the evenings but there was a chill, especially towards the end of the weeks and when it was a bit more breezy.
Anyway, back to reality as I have a pile of washing, need the heating on in the evening and have to get my scan results later this week. Oh the joys! Will catch up later with your posts and news but thought I’d quickly post whilst I had a few minutes.
29-09-2018 10:30 PM
Hi everyone, hope you are having a good weekend. It was so warm here I went out without a coat and was still warm. Hope it lasts. Heating on in the evening though as the temp seems to really drop. I received one of those horrible envelopes with NHS on the front today, those ones we all got too many of. I am being called for another dexa scan, does anyone else still get called for them? Just curious as i was not expecting it and cannot remember when the last was. Lily xx