12-12-2018 02:23 PM
Oh no, poor you Lily. Yet another problem to deal with and one that you know you have to take but will be trying to do your best for you Mum. For what its worth, and all I have had to go through over the past 10 plus years of having secondary BC, you have to put yourself first and unfortunately you have to be selfish. If you don't look after yourself and do the right things for YOU, you will of no help to anyone else. You will have to shift some of the 'carer' responsibility to others who, at this point, may have more time and be in better health to assist. As and when yiou have to have your op you should try to suit your own timescales and 'best' time - although we of course know the NHS isnt able to fit around our own plans or life styles so that may be difficult. I am imagining it will be the usuallong recovery period and you will need to make sure you recover, for your own health and for your girls and grandchildren. Again, and I may sound harsh about this they are your future so you have to be around for them. I have had to make the same choices and maybe not spend as much time as I should have with my parents (especially poignant given my Dad died suddenly) but I have focussed my time around my offspring. Having parents die is the 'normal' order of nature, if I'd neglected myself, which in turn would impact my daughters and their lives I would not like the life I now lead or be in a position to lead it.
Sorry a bit of a lecture but I hope it gives you some support in what will be a difficult time. Bloody cancer - the disease that keeps on giving, hmmmmm.
On a quick but different note I am home from the land of the Mouse - ie Disneyland Paris. 25 years to the day that we went there first for ED's 5th birthday! A busy, tiring, cold and wet (well it is in Northern France for heavens sake!) and expensive trip. But it was lovely to spend time together and see our little grandson have his first taste of the parks (I'm sure there will be many more trips if his Mum has anything to do with it). Although it isnt a good time to go (brrrrrr) it was very magical and completely over-the-top Christmassy. He of course loved 'It's a small world' espcially all the windmills which he has had a fascination with ever since he was about 5 months old and I bought him one and was one of his first words! 'Wer-wer' as he calls them.
Hope everyone ekse is doing OK. Lily, keep on sharing your problems and decisions with us, it is a good place to do it as we all know each other so well after all these years and means we dont have to offload on our immediate family and friends.
08-12-2018 12:23 AM
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your messages. I am so thrilled she made it through the op and she was so feisty it made me laugh. Now the long haul of trying to keep everything going and also get to the hospital to visit is kicking in and my brother and I are both shattered. Neither of us can even think about what will happen when she gets out of hospital. So it was with some trepidation that I went to the dr myself and was told I have a problem myself. Great. Just what I needed. Its a kick back to having a giant baby and the concrete effects of epirubicine on the insides, so now my organs and bits are all heading south instead of staying where they should be. Everything is collapsing it seems and most likely i will need an op unless I can stand it/get lucky. Most of the treatments are a no no because of the b c as they involve the hormones that are not my friends. The op has quite a lengthy recovery time including not being able to do everything I have to do for mum. I am struggling not to cry about it, so I haven't told anyone yet, just you. No point making everyone in the family feel worse.I couldn't visit mum tonight because I knew I would cry as soon as I saw her and would want to tell her. Then she would get in a state saying what shall I do and then get depressed she can't help. Hopefully it won't feel so bad in the morning. I don't like to leave on a miserable note, so it is with deep sorrow that I tell you I am no longer able to do trampolining. Ha ha. Lily x
Nicky i am pleased your mum is managing so well and hope she continues to do well. Sorry you lost your lovely dad xx
05-12-2018 08:43 AM
Lily, your poor Mum, and a poor you as you are the main care giver. Breaking a hip at her age is not to be sniffed at and, without causing concern, is a high risk of complications. I can’t remember where I read this, it was many moons ago when OH’s Gran broke her hip, but there’s a particular reason why it is so serious. Sorry if I’m not helping one bit here but just wanted to warn you, although I’m sure you’ll probably already be aware. Extra work and worry for you though wherever she is, whether she’s still in hospital or when she is discharged. Something none of us need. When you have time update us and have a rant if that’s what’s needed.
Carole, yes those new meds can really knock you out! For some reason I tolerate them, and my other heart meds, really well (and I’m on the highest possible doses for all of them!) but I know many people who don’t. Take it easy as I’m sure you will adjust and, if mit, ask about something different to take, it can take a while to get the right heart meds for you without the unnecessary side effects. Bloomin side effects, they have a lot to answer for!
Lisa, how are you my dear? Busy as ever I expect. Let us know how things are - when you have time.
Well, I’m doing Ok at the moment. Mum is doing really well and not so reliant on me, or my brothers, for company which is a huge relief for me as I’m the closest in distance to her so am the one who it’s affected the most (in terms of changes I’ve had to make to my normal life). The funeral was obviously a point of reference (rather than changing anything specifically) but I know Mum was holding back on doing some of her usual things until after it had taken place. She went back to her keep fit class last Friday which she really enjoyed and back to her indoor bowls last night. Both groups are of a similar age to Mum and have proven to be very supportive with lots of messages and offers of help so I’m hoping that she will take up some of these now she has broken the ice by going back to them. For me it is helping a lot as I have been able to get on more with the things I need to do, especially this time of the year when I’m always so busy trying to get all the shopping done and abiding the crowds. I met up with YD in Guildford on Monday as she was down from London visiting some friends so it was nice just to chat and amble along looking at things together which we haven’t done in ages what with her obscene working hours!
We’re all off on our little hols in a few days which sounds like fun. Luckily the riots might have eased off a bit now Carole as I was a bit worried about blockades at the ports. Fingers crossed it’s an easy journey for us, and as easy for the others coming by train.
Have a good weekend (I know it’s a bit early to wish this) and I’ll report back when I’m next o;.
04-12-2018 09:28 AM
Hi all, Lily I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum bringing another worrying time for you. Your Mum sounds very brave, and I assume by now she has had her hip sorted. Did they use an epidural or spinal block? Six hours, wow, that doesn't bear thinking about let alone it actually happening. I do sympathise, having gone through some issues with my Mum recently. Sending you lots of love and good thoughts. Post updates when you can.
Hope everyone else is ok? I'm finding the beta blockers which I was put back on last week because of unusual heart rhythm and palpitations are absolutely knocking me out. Well I assume it is these. I feel so lethargic.
Anyway a bright and sunny day today so took the doggies for a walk. That in itself is hard work as they both pull like anything and I feel like my arm is being wripped off! I only have to take them a few hundred metres and then let them off lead so they can have a good run.
Love to all xxx
03-12-2018 11:47 PM
Hi all, just a quick post as up early tomorrow.
nicky glad the funeral went like it did, sounds like a lovely turnout and you family and your mum doing him proud.
carole, ouch sounds painful, hope you get sorted at docs, weight gain is so hard, I'm still trying but coming off very slowly as weekends get in the way
oh lily poor you after everything with your mum sounds like a horrendous wait and what pain for her, she's defo a trouper and take advantage when she's in hospital, however, I know those hospital visiting hour trips takeover your life.
ps. Nicky Disneyland Paris, never been 👍👍
02-12-2018 12:37 AM
Hi everyone, Nicky I was relieved to hear that you have at last been able to have the funeral for your dad, such a long time to wait. Hopefully as you say it will help family, especially your mum move forward slowly as she feels able. Hopefully it will also start to bring a little more normality back to your routines and ease her dependence on you. I always said I lost both of them when I lost my dad, as my relationship with my mum just turned around in a different direction. Speaking of which she has had a bad accident and is in hospital so I am pretty much living at the hospital whenever visiting time. It was a very traumatic day and she was incredibly brave as she broke her hip which left her leg at a bizarre angle and unable to move it, just disconnected completely. We sat on the floor for 6 hours until the blue light ambulance arrived. How long did everyone else wait that day? No help came despite my pleas. Very difficult situation as operation vital to save her leg but her health means must never have an anaesthetic. So worrying day as they said she was very high risk of bleeding out but they had no choice. Stroke risk is still very high as she cannot be on her usual cocktail of medicines to keep her from clotting and will be for some time but hoping for the best. No idea what life the other side of this will be like, when she gets sent home but they won't let her out for weeks they say. I feel like we slid back to the bottom again and she will lose all the independence we fought for (for her and us!) . Not sure whether to prepare myself or be optimistic really, so making the most of good spells if they come along. She's a trooper so fingers crossed will fight back again and then get home. A bit of a long journey ahead. Sorry haven't replied to everything but just wanted you to know why I am struggling to get on here sometimes xx
27-11-2018 11:54 AM - edited 27-11-2018 11:58 AM
Hi all, how lovely to have posts from all of us, it's been quite a while but life does seem to get in the way of general chit chat on here
Nicky from my experience the time in between the death of a loved one and the funeral is such a busy time that it seems to keep your mind off thinking about things. My Dad died 13 years ago, quietly and peacefully (we like to believe) in his sleep. It was a shock, like yours as so unexpected, although my Dad was 82. I went across to help Mum who couldn't really cope with anything, so I stayed with her until after the funeral. It was very strange sleeping in the same bed. So you will probably find that now, you might hear a tune or see something that will bring back memories of your Dad. With me it was anything to do with Glenn Millar as he was a fan. (She says as wiping away a tear). Good plan for the scan results.
Lily, I'm so sorry you have had 2 losses so quickly together. What with that and stresses of work, you are no doubt a bit run down. Maybe some Echinacea and vitamin C will help shift it in time for Christmas.
Lisa you are so busy it's the same for you, stress is usually one of the things (they say) that causes a cold sore. Luckily I've never had one but Mr P gets them, particularly when he is under a bit of pressure. Perhaps a few hot toddies and some early nights might help? Hope your Mum picks up soon.
Our long trip with the dogs was a nightmare. The dogs were pretty good considering although we had to make frequent stops so along with the stopping of the blockades, we stopped for the dogs. All the while the car was moving they slept, but the minute the movement stopped because of a blockade they were excited thinking they were going for a walk.
Visiting Mum was nice, she is definitely in a much nicer nursing home now. All the staff were very friendly, very fascinated that we had travelled from France. Conversation with Mum is very repetitive, but to be expected I suppose. She still isn't eating much, and has been warned that if she keeps losing weight they will admit her to hospital for tube feeding. It doesn't matter how much we offer her things to eat, she just doesn't want to. I said she is starving herself and will die, hoping to be brutally honest. She'll forget I said it though. So, still moaning about anything and everything but at least me and my siblings know she is being looked after now.
Seeing all the grandchildren was lovely, little GD is so cute and always smiling. It's going to be hard work for her parents when the new little one arrives in January. We did quite a bit of food shopping, as always things you can't get here. We also did some Christmas shopping for the children/grand children. I had such bad feet swelling, and after taking a water tablet the day we went shopping, I couldn't keep out of the toilet. On the return journey they swelled even more so for 4 days I could only get my feet in slip on sandals!
I'm seeing the GP tomorrow as I think I either have an ear infection or a build up of wax because inside my ear is itchy and painful. I recently had a blood test too and some of the results aren't normal but I don't know if any of this is to do with the steroid injection I had nearly 5 weeks ago. I've put on 4 kilos in weight. I had to increase my insulin a lot to cope with the high levels so that wouldn't help the weight.
I'm trying to follow a Low Carb diet, which is the new trend but this week I've kept carbs down to about 80 grammes a day and I have noticed such an improvement in blood sugars, although disappointed no weight loss yet
Mr P is away for the next week and then all being well (you never know with his job) he should be home until after Christmas.
Time for my low carb lunch now, take care all and keep warm in Storm Diana xxxx
PS for Nicky : the blockades are continuing indefinitely, particularly around the big Cities like Paris, Bordeaux, Le Mans, Toulouse etc. so allow extra time for travel. There is a website that displays where they intending to block, but to be honest it is very hit and miss. Now the National Front have joined in too so things are starting to get messy! Take care xx
27-11-2018 08:09 AM
Firstly I’m sorry to hear of your recent losses Lily, as you know I’m only too aware (at the moment) of hhow much organising needs to be done even if you weren’t personally in the thick of it. All of that stress can bring you down so it’s no wonder your cold is hanging on and seems to be one of those ones we all seem to get that turns into a nasty couch that hangs on. I’ve had a couple of those over the years, currently dosing up with Vit C each night as a part protection.
carole, what a nightmare journey. Unfortunately when you have set your dates you can’t change them or do anything about it can you? And having been near your part of the world this summer I know how long it takes on a good day let alone when there’s difficulties. I guess you won’t be venturing north for a while!
Lisa, you are always busy busy busy! Good for you when it comes to holidays but maybe not so good if it’s work. How is it going these days after the big shake up? I hope the dust has settled and you are feeling valued again and even enjoying it? At least you have a Christmas break to look forward to with a few days off work.
Well, my update. At long last we did have Dads funeral, it was a cremation so no church service as he wasn’t a churchgoer (and these days you need to be to even get a look in at having a service! Understandably). It was held on Friday and had about 89 people there which was a wonderful turnout for someone who has lived a long life. Lots of family from Up North, friends and ex work colleagues. It showed what a popular and well loved man we all knew him as. It was a lovely service and a gathering afterwards with a more relaxed day at ours on Saturday for the immediate family before they all headed home. Mum is doing well and coping very well which means I’m not there quite so often now and when I am it’s to see her and do things with her rather than loads of ‘admin’. We are working out how much support she needs in terms of us visiting her and her staying here occasionally plus she will stay at my brothers’ sometimes. The funeral was a big hurdle to get over and luckily wasn’t as emotionally draining as she, and we, had all thought, I guess the long time in between his death and the service gave us time to adjust more. It was a point though that Mum wants to get to, and past, so she cannot have that hanging over her and can plan to move on, something I know she wasn’t really able to do before it took place.
Other than all of this going on I’m keeping busy (busier?) with Christmas shopping plus occasional childminding duties and the monthly (hooray, they are only monthly) visit is to hospital for treatment. A scan coming up before Christmas and results put off (by me) until after. Yes, Lily we do have a birthday to celebrate and my eldest, still being a little girl, has insisted we all go to Disneyland Paris for the weekend. So a short trip over there soon - let’s hope the ports aren’t blockaded again like they were for Carole.
26-11-2018 10:21 PM
Hi all, manic time of year for us all hence it being quiet on here. First of all Nicky, how are you coping, really hope you've had a funeral and celebrated your dads life xx
carole what an awful journey, hope the feet go down soon and the wee dogs are okay. How was your mum and family ? X
lily, how awful what a bad time you've had and that's why you can't shift your cough I always get it this time of year, avoided it with just a short burst but my poor Mam has been coughing for over 2 weeks and I've come out in a cold sore.
well work seems to get busier the next few weeks but trying to spend a bit more time posting on here as I've not been posting enough recently xxxx
off for early night xx
25-11-2018 11:29 PM
Hi Ladies, sorry I have not been online for a while. It just got a bit manic at work and I had a really annoying cold with a high temperature and its left a cough I can't shake off. Very annoying. Its probably because I was busy at work and also we lost a relative and had a funeral to travel to, as well as trying to support a difficult situation following the death. I was pleased to be a shoulder someone can rely on it but I always carry some of the sadness away with me. A lot of relatives flew in for it, which meant really quite a lot of hard work to make everything go as smoothly as they wanted. It didn't help that I was terribly car sick both journeys and arrived green as green. We have gone straight into another loss this week of a very dear family friend who I cannot ever remember not having in my life. I guess no wonder I can't shake the cold off, hopefully this week it will go. I have another close relative in hospital not expected to do well, we can hope they are wrong. None are my very nearest so that is something to be thankful for. At least Christmas is on its way and I love this time of year. Pressies are piling up every day but still several important birthdays to do before then as well so an expensve time of year as usual. I think you have family birthdays around this time too Nicky?
Lisa how lovely to go to Tenerife, what was the temperature like? Sorry to hear you are unwell. Did you pick it up on the flight? Hope you don't have that cough that plagues you every year. Get well soon. Yes I am watching jungle, a good series but I watch it on record as it annoys me how long it goes on for, so I can fast forward.
Carole that journey sounds horrendous and how on earth did you manage with the dogs in there too? A bad end to a nice trip to visit everyone. How were the family? Did you buy many things while over here, ready for Christmas?
Nicky, most of all I am so sorry I havent been on to ask how you are. I really hope you have had the funeral now and that you were all able to celebrate a lovely dad and husband's life at last. How are things with mum now? Love Lily xx
20-11-2018 09:42 AM
Just a quick post, as on Sunday returned from a whirlwind visit to see Mum in London, and children/g children in Hampshire plus do a quick bit of Christmas shopping. We left on Tuesday and came back on the overnight ferry Friday night ...... big mistake! The whole of France were having demonstrations and blocades, so what should have been a 7 hour drive (with a couple of stops) turned into a 16 hour drive! Not impressed, Mr P was so tired from the driving but just wanted to press on to get us home. We had the two dogs in the car also so I can honestly say the journey home was horrendous. My feet and ankles are very puffy owing to sitting for so long, so gradually hoping to get back to normal. The last time I was swollen like this was during chemo days .
Nicky hope you are coming to terms with your Dad's passing, Lily how are you? Busy with Christmas things at school? Lisa, hope you had a superb holiday in Tenerife. Good job you managed to escape the hotel/house collapsing?
I've got a pile of ironing to do so better dash off. Love to all xxxx
19-11-2018 11:43 PM
Hi all, I'm around just recovering from Tenerife and brought a sore throats back, well we all did so that plus work means I've been shattered. Glad you've been shopping Nicky, and wow that's a long time to wait as it's a big hurdle xx lily I've joined the lurgy gang x Carole how's things?
will do a proper catch up tomorrow, jungle ...are you watching Lily?!
12-11-2018 11:21 AM
No chance of taking them back Lily! OH made the mistake of telling me to treat myself as I deserved it (after the crap few weeks beforehand) so I took him at his word ha ha. Actually I did need to buy some new things anyway becasue this year, having come off the 'chemo diet' for the first time in several years I have put weight on. All my skinny clothes that I'd been wearing the past few years no longer fit so it was essential I bought some new ones ;-)
Thanks for the suggestions for Mum. She is on the ball about most of those things but I think the fact the funeral is still there hanging around is preventing her from going back to some of the clubs she used to go to. It's sort of a moving forward point and because it has been so drawn out it is stopping her from doing just that. Luckily where they moved to a couple of years ago is in an area where there are quite a few widows and some of the clubs (fitness and bowls) have ladies of a similar age and situation who have all been lovely with their cards etc. They have lived in the same small town for many years so as she has got out and about a bit more she has bumped into some of those ladies already which helps with that first point of contact. I am also having Mum over at least once a week, it's difficult for me to spend time at hers as I still have this house, and OH, to look after so its a bit of a juggling act. We will get there, I just need to have my own time to myself, as I am used to having, which is when the stress levels creep up when I don't get that.
11-11-2018 09:29 PM
Nice list of shopping Nicky, I am impressed, well as long as you don't take them back !! Does your mum have a local magazine as they are full of clubs and actiities like wi and mum joined u3A and goes to antiques, family tree and poetry groups. I couldn't believe she was brave enough but now she loves it and met a lot of people in the same circumstances for cups of tea on other days too with other widows/singles.
When mil was on her own I had a routine where she came over and ate with us once a week. She loved that as you don't eat out on your own. Or does she have a past with brownies as helper local school to listen to reading? All would jump at an offer to help. xx
11-11-2018 12:05 PM
A moments peace in a busy week and weekend for me.
No, the service still hasn't taken place! It seems usual around here for it to be about 2-3 weeks after a death to fit in with times available for funeral directors and crematorium. So add on the initial 3 weeks it took to get the coroner to allow the service to take place it means it will be about 6 weeks from when my Dad died! Yes, this has given us time to start adjusting but also means, especially for my Mum, things aren't moving forward. I think she wants the funeral over with to then get on and start getting out more and meeting friends and family. She is being very positive and already thinking ahead of some short holidays next year but the immediate day to day company/loneliness is still a bit of an issue, and the onus is on me as I'm the only local sibling who also doesnt have a full time job! I am stepping back and getting on with things I want, and need, to do but it still ties me up a lot. I'm sure you know what it's like! Btw how is your Mum at the moment? Hopefully not causing you extra problems in any way.
Carole, how are you doing? As Lily has said, has the injection helped at all? I hope so although maybe it takes a while to really help so it might not be immediate?
Lisa, are you busy, busy as ever? Any trips or outings planned? We're pretty much done for this year although will be celebrating EDs 30th with a long weekend break in December.
So that's about it for now, I need to plan my 'days off' over the next couple of weeks to give me some down time and also enable me to get cracking on my Christmas shopping. I hate leaving it to the last minute so tend to do bits and pieces most days rather than one big shop. The only downside to this is I forget what I've bought everyone so I now write it all in a little notebook so I can keep a track!
Have a good week, looks like we might have a spell of sunny days which is lovely at the moment with all the autumn colours.
ps As you asked Lily I bought a skirt, couple of tops, new smart trousers but still trying to find a decent coat without spending a fortune!
10-11-2018 11:32 PM
Hi everyone, just checking to see how everyone is. Nicky have you managed to have your dad's service yet? I hope things have moved along now so you can make the arrangements and move through this part of grieving. Although I was dreading it with mine, it did have positives as well, so we could start to adjust to the changes it brought. How are you getting on ith mum now? Have you managed to pull back a bit more of your time for yourself? Its tricky I know but necessary for your health too. I bet you have hardly had time to think about yourself.
Carole how is your back now? Has the steroid injection helped you? Do they repeat it regularly or is it a one off? I hope it will bring you some relief. Lisa is work still madly busy? Hope your role is starting to settle a little now you are getting used to all the new things you have to do. I am really busy at work and now come down with the inevitable cold so its balsam tissues, strepsils and coughing all night for me. Take care love Lily xx
04-11-2018 11:39 PM
Hi everyone, how was the weekend? I am glad to see less rain and even some sun although its very low in the sky making driving more tricky at times. We went to a Christmas fair at a historic house which was nice but its a bit early yet. The reindeers looked a bit out of place in the sun! I have actually done a lot of shopping already this year. I didn't really plan to start early, just saw things, bought them and then other people gave me gift ideas, so my spare room is already pretty chocca especially with the next wedding dress taking up a lot of room in there already. Carole how has the steroid injection treatment gone? Are you feeling the benefit of it? Hope it will give you a lot of relief. Lisa how are your family now as its not long really since mum was unwell? Is the new jo keeping you busy stillst don't know. Nicky it sounds very familiar and I can remember thinking we all seemed to have been in limbo forever. That's the time when you feel you should keep visiting your mum I flt too. After the funeral you naturally move into a different phase as everyone has no choice but to adjust to the different normal days and weeks. I really struggled to get back into my life as mum was pretty much arms round the neck sinking us and wanting it to stay like that. I remember my brother getting mad when mum treated him like he now had to take on all the responsibility so she didn't have to look after her own house and finances. I would say encourage her to start doing a few things on her own and heap loads of praise on her when she does as she is probably looking for reassurance about what all of your expectations are of her now. Tricky but time gradually sorts it out. How easily we moved on to these big gaps between your medical scans and appointments. You would hardly have dared believe it if you read your posts from last year. It shows you just have to keep believing because you just don't know. Well I better buzz off here. BTW what did you buy? Love Lily xxxxx
04-11-2018 10:50 AM
Thank you again for thinking of me.
I'm doing fine but very busy sorting out various admin etc as well as supporting my Mum. I think I will cut and paste this sentence for a few posts yet!
Anyway the funeral date is eventually set but snt for a few more weeks. Basically, as Lily must know, you go to the back of the queue once the repatriation has taken place. So although my Dad died some 3 weeks ago now we could not plan anything at all until he was back in the country with the relevant paperwork and the Coroner had said the cremation could take place. So its as if he had died last Monday as that was the earliest time the Coroner had got back to us. This does give us time to plan his service having got over the initial shock but drags out the grieving process as there is no focal point to have dealt with yet. Oh well. My Mum is doing remarkably well and we (my 2 brothers and I) are helping her as much as possible but also stepping back - well I am for starters. I had my 1st 'day off' since my Dad died on Wednesday and managed to splurge on some well needed (and derserved!) clothes. Luckily OH encouraged me but I think he's regretting that now ha ha. Otherwise everything else, healthwise, for me is going OK. I have the joy of another CT before Christmas - yes, it really will be 3 months since the last one by then, and the wait for the results which will be 1st week of Jan. At least Christmas will distract me.
Sorry I've only rambled on about me but I am trying to read your posts but just don't seem to get the time to log on and therefore never get round to replying - until this morning that is.