Thanks girls. For reading and responding
I'm hoping you're all doing well
Wombat Woo (comical name ) - Yes, I'd be delighted to give you the name of the book, darlin'. It's "Grief Works" by Julia Samuel. Can be bought from Amazon. You obviously have a need for or interest in it yourself? That's just it - I'm not being in the least bit arrogant, but I AM that much better at giving/supporting other people than myself. Weird isn't it. Was why I got hooked into the Forum in the first place - to give support to other fellow BC women, because it literally broke my heart that so many other women were being diagnosed. But . . I gained so much back in the process, without ever wanting or expecting to.
Kip - Can I just say - that's a great photo of you! Thank you so much for your reply. No, it didn't take me anything, because the moment she said she'd just lost her son by suicide, we immediately had something in common, in that I'd lost my brother to the same 2012. Gave us an immediate Empathy about something so tragic. I don't know where you're up to with your BC journey, and as to why you're on the Forum. (I'll check it out through your posts). But I do hope you're doing well, lovely lady.
Mishy - Thank you too, little flower. Any news on your op yet?
New friend and I are meeting again this Thurday, I have thoughts to take her for a nice lunch somewhere, so I beneft too!!! I'm glad you understood my reason to post such, I hoped you might.
None of it was demeaning BC and all your/our experiences of. I just hoped it would provide another slant on the other "vagaries" of life, and could help pull those of you who may be/or feel "stuck", out of it (whatever 'it' may be!!). You've all said such. Job done then.
Loadsa love, Dellywelly xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx !!
OMG... don't know how I ended up on this thread...but perhaps it was fate....
Delly - I have just read your post and talk about wow put things in perspective... made me sit and and think and stop feeling sorry for myself... the reminder I need at the moment that you never know whats happening in someones life.. we aren't the only ones... You write beautifully and more than that.. it take a special person to be able to sit with a stranger, a stranger in need too, and take the time to chat for 2 hours.... well done you.. I know a lot of people who would have shied away!
Restored my faith in human nature!
Thank you Delly
Ahh shucks, you're all such a loada sweeties. (Ohhhhhhh Yes you are)
I wasn't posting for sympathy you know, girls. I was just wanting to explain/inform what had been happening with me, why I'd been away.
But Thank You, and your 60th birthday wishes, Alibobs, Mishy, and Wombat Woo. Bothered about 60? Ha ha - Jeez, been the least of my probs. And anyway, I decided, whilst I'm feeling more positive, I have ALL bloomin year to celebrate - Whooo-Hooo!!! So can perhaps do it in a bigger way when I'm stronger. My imagination's running riot with a week at Sitges on the Spanish coast, in order to commute into Barcelona, but then there's Florence, Bologna, Sienna. And I would go back in a shot to Venice, over and over. But other places to see, I haven't yet been to.
My head would never have even have entertained such thoughts, 2 weeks ago, but I have to watch "hypers", getting carried away off on one!!
None of what follows has anything to do with BC, hormones, chemo, surgery. Its only connection is me and BC's now only a 'small' part of my problems the last number of years. But I know you lot will understand me writing of it.
I popped for a coffee and bite after my hairdressers on my birthday, to a very nice, friendly Christian cafe just across from. No, I'm not religious, and hadn't set foot in the place since my previous haircut, 9 months before!
I'd been there an hour, eaten, chatted with a few people, and was just about to go, when a lady walked in, sat on the next table, got up and moved her table closer to me to move away from the door draft. Got chatting, as I do and she was friendly and cheerful. I probably asked "Is this somewhere you come often"?! No, she'd popped in for the first time last week after visiting the funeral directors, just down the road. It transpired she'd just lost her 32 yr old son, on the 5th Jan. Took his life. He'd hung himself from a tree (lummee!), in a small wooded area not far from his friends house where he was staying!!! I just went cold, was gobsmacked. Just said, "I cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now, as a Mother. It must be the worst nightmare of a parent to lose a child before themself, but especially in such a way", and just let her talk.
After such traumatic news, she felt a need to visit 'the spot', only to see and meet the man who'd actually found and reported him, laying a bunch of flowers under the tree!
He died 5th Jan and the cremation isn't until 31st?! - evidently there's a queue around here! All that time to have to 'sit' with it.
She and I talked till chuckin out time, 2 hrs later. Exchanged tel. no's, and she gave me the most gynormous hug goodbye and thanks. Boy, did she play on my thoughts after though. And I was sat drinking a coffee, when I was drawn to a scrap of torn out paper from the Mail in front of me, with the details of a book on "Grief" that had had great reviews. I'd saved it for myself, but it had been lying around for two years, obviously waiting for some other reason (not for me to tidy away, note!! ). So I ordered her a copy, and myself the one I'd obviously meant to, as well. Texted her to say I'd ordered her a book, would it be okay meet up again to give to, and was she okay. We spent another two hours chatting on the phone. It wasn't all serious. She's a nurse so has a "dark" humour, me too sometimes, so we giggled as well.
But, she'd just been to see her son that day, at the crem, after he'd been embalmed and "prepared". Said it was a far better experience to see him now, than her previous one to identify his body, where her image of her poor boy had just been one of a "tortured" face (can you imagine), and was now, thankfully, a more peaceful and serene one. So she felt slightly more at "peace" from it.
Jeeez ladies, I know I witter on, had lost my bruv to the same, have been close to the same place myself, but I don't know what this poor woman must be feeling and going through in her head and heart right now. I was always sooo glad my Mum was spared the trauma of my bruv, her having already gone 2 yrears before. It'd probably have near killed her, though I'd have made darn sure it didn't.
I've asked if I can attend her boys funeral on the 31st, and I am doing. Its the first funeral I've felt able to go to since my Mum and bruvs, as I just couldn't face any.
Isn't it weird, how a flicker of light can come from something so sad and traumatic. I feel like I've gained a new friend from the most dyer/dier(?), dreadful, tragic of circumstances. This has all happened in the last two weeks of the most s**ttiest 9 months. Makes me wonder about "Fate", "Stars", "Providence", "Serendipity". I've often felt a bit of a fake infiltrator on this thread, me not being on hormones and long past the initial BC trauma. But as I said, I felt it would touch you. Temporarily take us away from BC, give us some 'respite' from, remind us there's other sh*t out there too. Which can help ground us so to speak, don't you think. Certainly did me.
Loadsa loveydovey stuff to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks Juliewulie - Hope you're okay too.
LadyH - Thank You for your lovely card, and it's such a weird coincidence, as I've just ordered a stack of "Pop-Up" cards. I've a bit of a thing for them, ordered some beautiful peacock ones last year - really special. So you're more in tune than we think, hey.
Am wobbling from day to day at the mo', but anythings better than that fetid, festering place!! Had I the magic potion or pill, gun even, I'd have gladly used them Have even been doing some "Janey Jobs" (thanks again for that little gem, Juicy!).
I could have gone on further early this morning, but felt it better to ease you back in gently!
I'm interested in the HRT, hormone, Mentalpause discussion, as I've often thought my depression also started around the same time as I started Mentalpause, and whether it was also connected, further exacerbated by the loss of Oestrogen. Granted I'd had a fair few other massive trauma's and life changes, but I used to be a tough, resilient, scrawny bird. Rarely phased by anything, and a battler. But they do say the stronger fall harder and farther. Makes me wonder though. I'm even looking at an advert I tore out of the Cheshire Life (last year!), "Feeling Tired, Exhausted or Depressed? It could be your Hormones - blood profiling and hormone restoration therapy. You too could be happy in Life"!! Might be worth me trying. I seem to have my hot flushes under control with these tabs I've put myself on again, but then again it IS the middle of Winter. i'll be able to tell better in the warmer months.
S'all very interesting though, what's currently cropping up with new HRT theories.
And yes, Charys, you're information from the medics is very confusing for you, to say the least.
I've also found a Hypnotherapist who has a particular interest in and specialises in Depression. Unfortunately, she's down in Swindon, but provides a great deal of helpful info, a couple of download courses and free download tasters of them. It's quite fascinating, because it doesn't deal with going over the same talk of the sources. Just gives you the tools to bypass all that, and just concentrates on changing your attitude with constant practise, which in itself raises the Serotonin levels bit by bit.So the old adage "Think Positively" is actually very founded. I've experienced Hypno before, even had a big nappy pin stuck through a fold of skin on my forearm, so I know it's effectiveness. Just never thought of it to treat depression before now. Sad thing is, my friends a Hypnotherapist, and very passionate about her work, but it's difficult to work with close contacts.
I'm all great at getting fired up about things, and great at not doing anything about them, often then lacking the motivation to follow through.
Anyway girlies, that's all for now. Gonna just jump in the car to escape somewhere nice for a few hours. Have done a few jobs for today, so now it's reward time
Hope you're all having a good Sunday xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Belatedly but a Happy 60th Birthday wish from us all xxx
Hey, you lovely lot
I've missed you all and am at great risk of writing one of my famously looong posts (see below, Aaaargh!!!), it having been so long. I apologise in advance. And please don't be offended if I don't mention you personally, could only go back so far.
LadyH-bowler - Helena, glad you're now recovered from your "Hysteria-ectomy", and can't tell you how bloomin good it was to hear your removed delicate lady bits and pieces were all CLEEEAR! Yahoooo!!!!! Hope your Col's going on okay and enjoying the benefit of his stairlift and bathseat, being able to get a few "normal" everyday functions back, that the rest of us just take for granted.
Mishy - Thanks darlin'. Hope you reach the top of the list soon for your back op. Sounds like a complicated, delicate op to have (as any spinal does). I'm presuming the 'C' is meaning Cervical is it, as you mentioned your arms could be affected? Don't ever feel you're gatecrashing on here.
Jak - Hope your knee's coming along well, and you're soon back to your active self. After a major knee op, I borrowed someone's static bike to have in my lounge. Great for getting back the range of "bend" quickly from having to push the pedals round, whilst gradually increasing the resistance helped strengthened up the quads again. Was so strict and hot with the exercises, I was climbing a Welsh mountain after 4 months. Hope you're getting lots of physio and are being strict with yourself. Keep at it girl.
Alibobs - Yeh, "bosom buddies" is bang on right for this lot, a tad apt too! I love your wicked humour. Am just giggling at "Mentalpause", ha ha hee. Goes well with the "Hysteria-ectomy"!!
Charys - Oooooo, I've just got all wobbly at your beeeautiful Xmas card and deeply heart touching message. Thanks for that, you little darlin'. Congratulations on your final check. Would think you're feeling a sense of relief combined with a "Whooohooo, releeeease!!!"
Janey - That's so lovely to hear, our Magnolia bush is still going strong and building itself up (no doubt with the help of some ripe smelling manure?), ready to burst open with its pretty flowers again. Jeez, I was sooo pleased you've got rid of those polyp blighters. But I'm really sorry to hear about your nurse friend's recent diagnosis, gave me goosebumps when I read it. Hope she does make good use of the Forum and comes on this wonderfully friendly, supportive and sometimes loony thread. Let us know what her user name is, to keep an eye open for her.
Well, I didn't think I'd fade away in my postings, thought you'd be stuck with me forever, but it happens doesn't it.
I'd love to have been able to say I've finally sorted out my house (in both senses of the word house), self and life out, and been off on a six months tour of Italy, but I havn't, unfortunately. What then?
I got worse. Didn't go out of the house for 3 months, end of Sept to just after Xmas, not even to the corner shop for a few bits. Stopped getting dressed. Have wrecked my body from so much time in bed over the last 9 months, but the last 3 especially. Muscles wasted and no tone. Even started having food and drink (non alchy note) delivered. Not shopping food either. Food from the take-away down the road, once I'd discovered they delivered, and making it last for 2-3 days. Ate it in my bedroom. Don't know what I'd have done without the lovely guys down there. Didn't even bat an eyelid at me always being in my dressing gown when I opened the door, looking like a cross between Norah Batty (was actually an insult to her!) and some wild woman with unkempt and unwashed hair. But I'd got well past caring. I'd even sent off for the Wiltshire and Oak Farm Food frozen ready meals brochures, to get some healthier options delivered and cut down on costs, but didn't use them. Look very tasty and tempting though.
Had it not felt painful, I'd have probably starved myself.
Think it was the last text message from one of my oldest friends in the South, that had a no nonsense and urgent "Get in touch Delly please, or else" type message, that gave me a "nudge". Her previous two over 4 weeks, I'd just left unanswered, due to my head state. Needless to say, I responded, to let her know I was still on the planet. That was at just after Xmas.
That, and then also perhaps some help from trying some natural tablets I'd decided to give a better go of. I slowly started to surface, had a bit of a clean up, got dressed and eventually emerged from the house, just very locally to the shop. I'd kept in better text contact with my best buddy who's more local, had mentioned something of my state, but kept the worst of it quiet, wouldn't let her come to see me. But finally came fully clean just before New Year. She, a very astute woman and a therapist type, gave me a goal or carrot, of two weeks to take me out for a nice dinner and evening to celebrate my 60th birthday, 14th Jan. And her knowing it to be plenty of time to gradually build myself up to it. It worked. I wasn't so bothered about celebrating my birthday, but I was determined to get to see and spend some time with someone very special to me, far better than any present. Even had my hair cut specially on the day for it (hadn't had done since March, was very wild and untamed as you can imagine), so was looking and smelling a darn sight sweeter. She spoilt me rotten with beautiful flowers and other pressies. I was sooo touched, bowled over.
I'd got totally "Lost", felt "Spent/Tired", had "Given up". Perhaps I'd also sunk deeper because I'd lost touch with my special friends and place on here, literally just at the end of my fingertips. I too have occasionally gone back to the origins of this thread, and have often marvelled at the support I've had from the many of you, in some of my previous darker hours. My few real life friends and all you "through the ether" friends are my family, and I hadn't realised how much I needed you. All of you "Diamonds". So thanks for still being there. (Ahh sha up Delly will ya, you'll be avin us all in tears in a minit!)
Loadsa love, Dellywellydingdong xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Helloooooo all Fluffylisciouslies
Just crawled out from somewhere to wish you all a rather belated, but very
"HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR"
Hope everyone is well, or as well as can be.
Lee - Hope you're still doing well, and your husband.
Lady H - How did your op go girly?
We should really be revving up for the nearing Panto season - Yehhhhhhhhhhhhh !!
Happy New Year Charys! Lovely to hear from you Lee. 2018 really tough for you and I hope 2019 is nothing but positive for you and your family. Hope you are all keeping warm and well xx
9th of January and here I am rather late wishing everyone a health and happy 2019.
Hello and happy new year to you my dear.
So glad to hear that you have finished active treatment it has been a tough journey for you this one, it will take a bit of time for you to get your strength back and for the tiredness to ease. Glad to see that you are still keeping an eye on us all as I often think of you.
How is your husband doing?
Has your oncologist arranged a dexa scan for you so that they have a benchmark for your bone density? If not might be worth asking them to do it and then it should be checked every two years.
Sending you loads of hugs
Lee, Happy New Year and congratulations on finishing treatment. The combination of chemo and radiotherapy must be really tiring, but hopefully will improve with time and rest. Hopefully you have some nice summer weather to sit in the garden with your feet up!