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New to forum...newly diagnosed

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Omg where does that fear come from. I’ve actually had quite a good day and laughed quite a lot but just sat and watched tv and I can feel the fear and anxiety building up. It comes from nowhere, I just want to burst into tears but can’t because my girls are here. This is sooo tough, all I can think is I don’t want to die. Sorry for saying that but I don’t know who else to say it to.
Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Michelle21
Sounds like a good idea to return things bought if you're not happy with them. I searched online first so I could target shop....think I was on a 'good' day yesterday. Pleased you got through last evening and it helped you push things out of your mind even for a short time... but obviously very emotional evening.
I know what you mean about telling friends and others. I've told only a few friends at present, some family know. It's hard because I live away from where I come from.

Feenix xhugsx


Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Feenix, your PJ purchase sounds way more sensible than mine. Looking back on yesterday I was a women possessed!! I think I will return what I bought when I can trust myself to be slightly more level headed! Last nights event was great and bad. Bad because I cried when I said hello and goodbye to my friend. I don’t want to tell anyone until I know what’s going on and after we’ve told our girls so now my friend is worried. But it was great because there were points in the evening when I actually didn’t think about it, which is a great achievement. There was also someone there with pancreatic cancer so even though he didn’t know about me it made me feel less alone.
Well done on the hoovering!! Xx
Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Mai I’ve just read the first page on your blog. Thank you so much, even though I’m crying again it has given me hope xx
Community Champion

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Cass, sorry you find yourself here but welcome to the forum.  I had a similar diagnosis to you, stage 3 including lymph nodes.  I finished all active treatment in January and am now a year post-diagnosis and feeling pretty good and very alive!  If you want something to relate to here is my blog for you to read (warning: may contain humour) http://lifeafterlola.blogspot.co.uk/

Try and be kind to yourself and pamper yourself a bit to feel better.  It's really tough in the beginning but it does get easier. Xxx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Forgot to say....I’ve done some hoovering !!!!
Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

I’ve been around the shops too Michelle21...got a pair of pj’s from Bon marche...front button top with short sleeves..in sale £12. Went into m&s but no bra fitter but have ordered a couple of front fastening sports bras as I understand they are comfy and I’ve booked in for fitting next week. I’ve also had my hair cut short...easier to manage + who knows what treatment I might need.

I do hope your night out might provide a bit of distraction and you get through it ok... I guess it’ll be hard being in a crowd.

 

sending a big hug

Feenix xx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

I’ve just been into town on a mission to get a dressing gown and pj’s. Rushing round from shop to shop in the end it got the better of me and the tears came. I’ve bought a couple of pairs of pj’s that probably aren’t even suitable after a mastectomy. I just felt I had to do i, had to buy something. I think it’s about trying to get some control back, anything even just buying nightwear. How nuts is that?
I better you’re glad you didn’t attempt that jump Cass, could of been a bit awkward when you realised you were already on the ground!
We’re going out tonight for a big event, I’m hoping I will be distracted but nervous that I could start crying at any point.
Good luck with your MRI on Monday Feenix x
Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Michelle21

 

Im having MRI to determine size as I’d mentioned ‘dimple’ although not there all time. 

I’m like you with all my twinges ....

 

Feenix xx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Cass

 

I was saying to Fairy Dust that if I was a runner I’d probably keep going....

 

I do find it hard concentrating at times. I’ve started a journal of sorts...have a notebook I can jot things down in when I feel the need....usually at bedtime. Being on this forum helps too.

 

Sending a hug and good wishes for ct scan result next week.

 

Feenix xx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Fairy Dust

 

Youve certainly had a lot to contend with and I’m amazed you are still working. 

Everything seems on standby with me although I do potter. I could say the house is in fine fettle ( lovely to see that word ) but I would be lying .... it’s not too bad as I just started this journey recently. 

I’m more a walker so am starting to get back to that even if I don’t go too far at the moment. I think if I ran I might just keep on going ....

 

Feenix xhugsx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Sorry got called away whilst writing last message but had a bit more to say!
Rabbit caught in the headlights is a perfect description, that was me exactly too! How is everyone sleeping? I keep waking and that is definitely the worst time, the thoughts just keep going round and round in my head. I even find myself planning my own funeral, although generally I’m quite an upbeat, strong person which a strong desire to get through this.
I’m thinking of starting a journal because I think the process of writing everything down helps and I’ve ordered a couple of books on Amazon, Victoria Derbyshire is one of them. I’m hoping they will inspire and motives me and bring me up when I’m down. Anyway that’s all from me for now, best wishes to you all xx
Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Blimey Fairydust you really have had quite the ordeal. I’m at the stage of waiting for HER result and then will get a treatment plan. I still can’t quite believe I am saying this stuff and talking about me!

Feenix and Cass I was only diagnosed on Thursday so house hasn’t gone to rack and ruin yet, although every cloud has to have a silver lining so a bit let housework sounds good to me. I also run a fair bit Cass, I did a half marathon a couple of weeks ago, oh how life can change! I have a problem with my groin/hip when I run at the moment which I have obviously out down to cancer spreading. Do everyone get an MRI my Doc hasn’t suggested it but for piece of mind I think I need it.
Keep the humour x
Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi feenix,

 

I’m the same, I run every morning and I'm incredibly active, I find just sitting around boring and like to be kept occupied. I felt so helpless and lacked motivation after I had my scan, but since I got my definitive results on Thursday, I gave myself a good talking to and I’m trying to go back to being as ‘normal’ as possible. I can be absolutely fine, then bang! The reality of it hits me all over again. I’m finding that writing all my thoughts and feelings down in this forum so helpful, and knowing that people know literally how I feel is somehow comforting. 

 

I have my CT scan Wednesday and results on Friday. I feel like there’s a washing machine in my stomach spinning with dread, but once the wait is over we deal with what we face next. 

 

Sending you you my thoughts and well wishes for your results xxxx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi fairy dust,

 

I did write a long post but I think I must’ve pressed cancel rather than post 🤦‍♀️

 

Im so sorry to hear about the length of time you are having to wait between appointments and your travel time. It truly is mental torture. Red tape 🤬! Glad you finally have a timeline for your surgery though.

 

I found my initial lump five months ago but a gp at my practice couldn’t feel anything so wouldn’t refer me (I also was told she wrote down the wrong breast in my notes 😡). Fast forward five months and another lump appears under my arm. Thankfully I saw another gp and he referred me immediately. I was angry and frustrated that this could’ve been caught earlier but I can’t dwell on that. 

 

I think trying to find a sense sense of humour in this awful situation is hard but the small things can just make you giggle. When I received my results on Thursday, I told my husband I felt like jumping out of the consultation room window, he laughed and told me I’d not get far, we’re on the ground floor! 

 

All my thoughts, hopes and wishes are firmly concentrated on us all getting through this experience and living a full healthy, happy life xxx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi fairy dust,

I completely agree, I thought I was healthy, doing everything right, eating well, running, and never envisaged cancer. I went 5 months ago to my gp with a lump and she couldn’t feel anything and wouldn’t refer me. It was only two weeks ago I felt another lump under my arm and another gp in the practice referred me straight away. I was so angry that this could have been caught earlier but there’s nothing I can do about that now.

 

I’m so sorry that your travel to consultations and delays are prolonging things, it must be mentally agonising, I know the waiting around and feeling helpless is torture. 

 

My my life is now in someone else’s control which is hard to accept, but I’m trying to trust in the process. But yes, keeping sense of humour is helping, when receiving my biopsy results on Thursday I said to my other half that I feel like just throwing myself out of the consulting room window, he looked shocked but then calmly told me I’d not go far, we’re on the ground floor! 

 

My thoughts, hopes and well wishes also are concentrated on a healthy, full life for all going through this xxx

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Oh and meant to say (as if I hadn't said enough). I've been like you, Feenix, with the housework. I've carried on working, though this is becoming harder as the time passes and my brain seems to be wearing out!

 

Now I have an ironing pile mountaineers would be eyeing up with enthusiasm and a house which needs a very good fettle. Well I do need something to keep me busy to the end of next month!!

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Sorry for butting in, but I seem to be doing it a lot on other threads at the moment, as I'm in limbo waiting for my op on 29th April.  

 

Yes, Cass, I think the waiting is the cruellest and scariest part of all this and don't we get a lot of stages where we are waiting for the next bit. Luckily for most if us, I think, we feel healthy when we are diagnosed, so it's the mental marathon we run which takes it's toll. Mines been a long wait. My mammogram was at the end of last October, my diagnosis was 21st December. The area I'm in didn't do the reconstruction I wanted (DIEP flap following double MX), I had to find the surgeon who would do it myself but couldn't get the MX done at the same hospital, so that delayed things whilst my amazing lady plastic surgeon found me an equally amazing lady breast surgeon and now I travel 2 hours for consultations ect. The ops being done in a private hospital, but in an NHS slot because the surgeons come from different hospitals!!! Red tape and lack of information from my original area means it will be 6 months since they found the 4 areas on the mammogram when the cancer (that's progress, I usually call it It) finally comes out of me.

 

I've had a supermarket meltdown! Mind went into overload whilst reading the packaging to find out what was in something and I just had to get out and left a full trolley in the middle of the aislwe

 

I did have a really good laugh whilst on the phone with a friend though, as we discussed the weight loss benefits of a double mastectomy! I promptly  fetch my weighing scales out yo try to work out how much I would lose (about 5 or 6 pounds if you were wondering). I then googled it and there is actually a chart where you enter your measurements and it tells you how much they weigh! Someone on the site wondered if there was a chart for men's bits! My friend commented, "About 2ounces". I may be giving my age away with the imperial measurements!!

 

Sorry again for butting in. Love and hugs to you all and my hopes and wishes that we all come through this as healthily, whole, sane and still with our sense of humour intact as possible. xxx

 

 

Member

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

Hi Cassie. 

Youre doing better than me with routines esp housework...I must get hoover out sometime soon !!! Sometimes don’t feel like doing anything which is entirely opposite to the hyper me before my initial appointment for check/biopsies. I only hope I’ve lost the look of a rabbit caught in the headlights. I’m trying to switch off a bit and conserve energy for whatever is to come.... there’s no escape ... yikes. 

I’ll know soon enough about scan results... hope you do too but it’s not easy waiting.

 

feenix xx

Community Champion

Re: New to forum...newly diagnosed

No there's lots of us out there !!! it made me feel so much better when I first posted and got some replies from real people who understood - made me feel less alone and less " abnormal" .