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Overwhelming emotions

31 REPLIES 31
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Back again. I've just noticed my last input was June last year. I'm happy to say all us good in my world. However, I'm getting ready for a trip to spain with my mum and 3 sisters (yippee). Then the hard bit happened. I'm trying to organise my holiday insurance, a big step. Struggled a bit with filling in the online forms,  but chuffed with myself as I was almost finished. Screen pops up OOPS our sight has gone down, come back later. Major wobble. I thought I had got through this. But I've spent the last 12 hours, if not actually in tears, on the verge. A big kick in the teeth (which I have no doubt I'll recover from), but wow. I wasn't expecting that. ..Does anyone have advise on getting the best insurance deal without going through a million Web sites?  A little reminder of what I (we all) have been through, not pleasant, but onwards and upwards.  

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Yeh Arl and all you lovely ladies,

 

I'm a great believer in letting it flow - tears, that is. Too many people keep it in, the British upper lip and so on. Why?? The Italians don't - they EXPRESS their emotions, and have no shame in it. Pain, grief, love.

 

This is a gawd awful disease. It causes losses (boobs) and pain. Don't be ever be ashamed to cry. It's part of the healing process. And it sometimes catches you unawares - so what.

 

Lots of love to you all

Delly xxxxxxxxx 

 

Arl
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi Everyone
I remember that day being diagnosed, that horrible feeling inside hearing those words that you’ve got cancer, never did I think would be here to tell the tale, the amount of emotions that runs through you, the beginning was awful, your frightened of everything, was so frightened stayed of the internet, treatment begins, slowly get there never back to normal though! Start getting upset at what’s on tv, a few years passes you start feeling a bit braver then you watch The Real Full Monty and when you start hearing what they say your crying or a sad film comes on you start crying again, but it’s a bit different. It’s good from time to time to let it go. This group is so good everyone all understands each other. Getting a diagnosis does change us, none of us now takes life for granted, onwards and upwards for each and everyone of us, we sure at least deserve that. Try and stay strong.x
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Sometimes it does you good to cry too it's a form of release or relief I'm glad you have a supportive family that's you fist aid. Have you tried joining a group I go to secondary breast cancer group with ladies who are in the same boat it does me good to talk to them because they truly understand the feelings I have. Good luck to you and keep your chin up. ❤️

Community Champion

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Fab post, Bubbler & so glad for you. Yes, it was certainly good news about the recent Oncotype research evidence.
Onwards & upwards!
ann x
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi ladies. Just noticed it's been 2 months since I've been on here. Which means Im not overly fretting about every ache and pain anymore  (although its never far from my mind) .Reading back from my original post, can I just say, that 'time really does heal' There's not a day goes by now, when I don't think about my experience with Cancer. But also, not a day goes by when I don't think how lucky I am.Loads to celebrate and look forward to.. Recent news about Onkytype test raised my spirits,  as I was in the grey area. I'm now more reassured that I chose not to have chemo. . Things that previously worried or upset, just go over my shoulder. I'm much more calm and relaxed about things. Although I still have my moments. I cried some quiet tears today, listening to my granddaughter,  playing in a school music recital. Bubbler by name, Bubbler by nature. The joy of hearing her, and the thought of what might have been,  we're a bit  too much. But I I managed to regain control, and enjoyed my day. I'm looking for the positives in everything and everyday, and think this is what is helping me cope. Onwards and upwards.  Good luck to all of you lovely ladies . Where there's life, there's hope. Grab it with both hands, and don't look back. Xxx

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi Bubbler. I do totally understand how you are feeling. I had a lumpectomy/2 lymphnodes removed  in December followed by 15 days radiotherapy. I Have been told that I am cancer free now and just need the regular yearly mamograms.  But, for some reason I find myself crying when I am on my own thinking about what has happened. I ask my self 'why, am I crying' after all, I am one of the lucky ones, cancer free! But still the tears keep coming. 

 

I was watching a programe recently on TV (the real full monty) with Coleen Nolan and other celebrities preparing to bare all....for breast cancer. When a couple of the celebs were talking about what they have been through, I was in bits. Sobbing into my husbands arms. They were saying exactly how I felt and was feeling.  I have no idea where the emotions came from, they just emerged. 

 

I guess that emotions after something like breast cancer can be volatile and change at any time. We are all here for you, we all understand your feelings. 

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Yeah Treeze I also know what you mean about GPS not taking you seriously in future im sure there are other cancer centres similar to Maggies across the UK who will be able to help you x
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Treeze i accessed mine through the local Maggies organisation they have really been fantastic if you have one or a similar organisation i bet they would see you its actually not just for when you are having treatment and is there for family affected by cancer they have bereavement sessions too, financially its horrible having to use whst you were so careful to put aside i have spent a lot of my savings since last May as i only got ssp fir a little while and was told i couldn't claim due to savings so had to use them , however Treeze you can still access some if you have under £16,000 but not a lot its means tested im trying to salvage some of mine by the work return 😝 good luck abd i hope you can get some help in the form of talking therapy and maybe some financial support of some description even if just a little, Delly thank you for your pep talk it really has made me think about things x take care ladies x
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

In the words of Tiny Tim (I too am now a crier and this always gets me) "God bless us..every one".
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

So sorry to hear of your losd Misha.I feel counselling would do me good..if my dreams are anything to go by! I cant afford private and imagine its a long wait on nhs? I know its an awful thing to say but am afraid of going down that root at gps in case they label me and say all the pain "is in my head".
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

How lovely you are to think about me!! Xxx
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hello Delly darling..lovely to hear from you.I fear I would be in the same position..forced to spend what savings I have until I have little enough to claim, which seems all wrong to me.I'm hoping to keep enough money to help in the future if/when my daughter is hoping to buy a house they can adapt into an annexe for me and I need a bit to help.I dont even get a full pension as I've not paid enough NI as only been in part time low paying jobs for a number of years.The infuriating thing is, I WANT to work and feel like I did before..not feel as if I physically can't.I'm mostly a cleaner which I do enjoy but obviously its physical and I'm on my feet and up and down stairs 4 or 5 hours a day.I also do support work a few hours entailing activities in the community..bus trips, bowling etc.I dont drive so walk or bus everywhere.I have no partner.I'm finally seeing a doctor next week..though Iknow he's not a sympathetic one..to see if maybe I can get something for the pain and fatigue though no idea what?? At the moment I have tendonitis in my foot so finding it difficult to get about..probably as I walk funny with my painful ankles and knees!😮Jeez I need putting down!😉xxx
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi again Treeze.
I've been thinking about you and your position since last night. Have you thought about getting to your local MacMillan Centre to discuss your difficulties and financial position. They seem to be the main source of help and advice. I know they also help you fill any forms in. May be well worth a try.

Mishy - I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. A horrible double whammy for you. No wonder you're so upset.

Lots of love to everyone

Delly xxxxxx

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Ah thank you Delly i do need that kick up the back side thread i will jump over i have these moments yesterday was one of them, im a wellbeing and lifestyle coordinator for people living with dementia in a care setting re the bugs!!!! Hence my apprehension at an earlier return i was of the mindset how can i look after someone else's well being when my own wasn't right i have had some fantastic counselling sessions which have helped me enormously its like you say Delly i need to let people in again i was always the strongest in the dynamics of family life and the freind people leened on so have found it difficult admitting that i need a hug or a ear sometimes i think because i lost my father to lung cancer during my own treatment has made it more difficult for me his diagnosis and passing was very quick between 2 chemo cycles and it was very traumatic for me and my family so they really don't want to talk about cancer i have taken your advice on board Delly and thank you sometimes an outsider's opinion really resonates and yes i agree this forum is bloody fantastic it always us to say on here the things we sometimes would bottle up
Today im feeling much better and your post really made sense so thank you again x
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Ohhhhh, Mishy.

I've noted you've posted on here and "Need a Kick up the Backside" thread. You're so understandably and terribly upset. You're right - why does no-one warn or prepare you for it? Well, reading thousands of posts from fellow women on here does and would, but that's after it happens. That's it. You don't ever read such unless you're going through it, do you?. I liken it, in a way, to no-one ever prepares you in life, for when you lose someone you love. You have to feel your way through it - and thats painfully. And that's what you're feeling - you feel you've lost "part of" the person you were, are "mourning" for, physically and mentally. Hopefully just "part of"

But . . . you are still there my dear friend, albeit slightly different and altered by your horrible experiences.

This disease is sadly now a more everyday occurrence than it used to be. You ARE changed from it  and, if nothing else, it's given you an unwanted, unexpected compassion and understanding of others, you probably never had before.

Try not to keep people at arms length (family and friends). I'm sure they would prefer you let them know how you really feel and are. If they care about you, they will and do. And they don't or won't ever know unless you communicate it to them. Remember, It's all an learning curve for them too. I think sometimes we presume, and try to protect those we love, when actually they would rather know, so they can better support you/us, so communicate. It's also so much better for you, if you can share your pain. Yes, some people will be better and stronger at taking it than others, but it's those who ARE better, that you can "lean on" a bit, and not take it all on yourself. That means a lot - you need all the help/support you can get. And that's another thing you have to learn with this - to take and accept support.

I've said this on numerous other places on this forum, often the greatest gift anyone can give you, at such a time, is simply the gift of listening. That's whether they can physically or mentally help you in other ways.

 

That sounds great, that you're returning to, are able to, return to work on a part-time basis. Are you a teacher? as you referred to your workplace being a haven for bugs? Or was that just generally? 

It's very late, but I just wanted to reply for now. I'll reread and review your posts tomorrow. 

In the meantime, I hope you can remain strong.

Much love, Dellywelly xxxx

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Went slightly off tangent in that post what I started off saying about the emotional roller-coaster stuff is why does nobody in your treatment time warn you or prepare you for this, i feel like my whole personality has changed because of this experience im much more sensitive than I used to be alot more impatient and keep people i love at an arms length its really difficult for me to be open with people now, i feel like i have changed so much that at times i don't recognise myself ive always been a crier its always been my release valve if upset or stressed but find it harder reigning it in these days it can be embarrassing and as i explained today it was work and money worries next time it will be something else its not like i cry every day but definitely more than i used to, does anyone else feel like this and that they have changed as a person ?
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Came on this thread to share my feelings about the highs and lows of kyr emotions after bc today im having one of my days where tears have flowed this time over work return and money worries, my story briefly successfully treated for TN bc wle partial removal of nodes rads for breast and under arm finished jan, a few issues with some joint stuff a breast lymphodema diagnosis and some very uncomfortable rib inflammation from rads and of course the dreadful fatigue still lingers but in all i find that because it saved me from bc its i the price to pay for me and accept it however the emotional roller-coaster is the one thing that plagues me the most it can be very overwhelming at timesand strikes at any time, so my return to work has been delayed and put off, now im as ready as i will ever be to return part time but know financially i will struggle with a much smaller wage, i know how both you ladies feel re savings i too have had to live off mine as i wasn't entitled to any help during treatment because of them and they have taken quite a dent im 47 next month and know that i have to go back otherwise i wouldn't survive financially, i was advised that if you have £6000 or below you can apply for benefits and won't be affected anything over this has a £1 loss of benefit for every £250 over the £6000 pip however is not means tested and you can receive it even if you work it is very hard to fill in forms but worth it if you could qualify.
So yes I am between that rock and hard shoulder of dwindling away my nest egg or going back to work full time when frankly some days i feel really rubbish still so i have decided part time over a couple of days is my way forward x
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Oh, Treeze. How lovely to hear from you again, my dear friend. Smiley Happy But I feel so much upset and frustration from you and your post. It's an ffflippin pig, isn't it. You vent all you like, girl.  But, I'm not great at knowing what people are entitled to, help wise/financially, with the work aspects of post BC. I haven't worked for the last 12yrs, following BC at 47, have just been living off my own savings and inheritance (would normally have been for my future further down the line, without BC). I haven't ever bothered to check, because I just presumed, with my circumstances, I wouldn't be entitled to owt, until my own financial resources are drained. 

But things may be very different for you. Have you explored the Moving Forward - Work, Finance and Travel threads?? Have a look on.

I remembered you mentioning your girls and loss of your Dad, from previous posts. But can't remember if you have a husband/partner in all of this?? And What type of work do you do??

There's gotta be some kind of advice and help for you somewhere? I hope so, darlin.

Keep me/us in touch with how you're doing, will you please, even if it's just to have a good vent/rant. This is such a great place to let go, let rip, share sympathy. But also a great source of practical help from others who've experienced the same.

I hope so.

Lots of love to you and everyone else

Delly xxxx   

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi Delly my dear how are you? Well, after managing the cancer and being "strong" and "brave"😜I am at the sobbing and ranting stage.I feel that during the cancer it was possible to move forward by thinking "only x amounts of treatments and months to go" But now...is this really it?? Why did I not know this?? Forcing myself through work and day to day life with everything sore and aching..and the fatigue! If I stop moving I can barely start again but grinning and baring it outwardly for the sake if others and work when I was so active.Even my daughters have said they cant see me working till pension age but on low income I will have to work as ling as I possibly can.I have some savings so I will have to spend them that I've worked hard to save before I would recieve anything.Seems like you have to be very poor or very rich.Dont want to offend, just venting about the continual struggle since cancer to make my life work.
Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hey Bubbler and everyone

I hope you're doing well, are you?

I neglected to say, in my last message, which was coming across as me being very "strong", that I'm a great advocate of "sobbing". Everyone on here, has been through an intensely traumatic experience. Having a good sob is so natural and cathartic. There's a load of pain to be felt. I'm a great one for letting it out, feel it's hugely important to let it flow.

And don't ever feel embarrassed by breaking down, wherever you are or whatever you're doing. Please allow yourself to grieve for yourself, because that's what it is, along with confusion, disappointment in your body, and the "Why me" self pity, which you're entitled to feel, and, crikey, is normal given what you're going through. It does get easier and less upsetting with time, believe me.

Loadsa love to everyone

Dellywellydingdong xxxxxxxx 

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Thank Dell welly.  You are so right. I hear you and am being vigilant, getting on with life and trying not to think of the negatives.  At the moment it's all positives (apart from the fatigue and sore joints) but hey ho. I'm moving on and starting to enjoy life again.  Thanks to you ladies and a onderful OH and supportive family.. que sera sera and all that stuff.   

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi Bubbler

 

I'm a 12 yr survivor now, of two BC's, one year apart. Did I think I'd get another primary so soon after my 1st - did I 'eck. Was amazingly positive after the first, recovered quickly and well. But it was another primary, not spread from the first. Just extremely unlucky. However, don't let my experience worry you. I'd say it took me 5 yrs to no longer worry about secondaries. I am vigilant (my motto), but not psychotic about every twinge and pain. I do have a very understanding Dr. tho', who's also vigilant and just likes to "make sure". My suggestion is - don't think about the "what ifs or maybe" it's come back or will do, concentrate on the "what if nots",and think it wont. If by any chance it does, you can't do flip about it anyway, but at least you haven't been living in the fear of it, all the while before.

 

Loads of love to everyone

Dellywelly xxxxxxx 

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi Bubbler, I’d say you’re doing well and am sure most, if not all, of us have up and down days! The Haven is another amazing place, I’ve been to the one in Leeds a couple of times. Yes, Bristol would be a trek from Glasgow, I’m 2-3 hours away and can easily get a train, so not too bad for me. Take care, Kxx

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Thanks Kate. I love all the positive feedback I get from everyone. I've visited The Haven for counselling  and reflexology and cannot praise them enough.

 

Thanks for your input too, although living near Glasgow, it may be a bit to far to travel.

 

Honestly with everything I hear from the forum, I'm already feeling better.it's just the space for me to let off a bit of frustration, fear, etc.

 

. I took up Helenas advice this morning. Shook myself up, took a bus then a 3k walk to my allotment,  where I spent 1 hour, actually enjoying myself and smiling.  The fresh air works wonders,

 

I think I'm resigned to accepting that some days are better than others, and already, the better days outnumber the not so good days. And going on advice from all , I'm back to feeling positive again. Thanks everyone for listening and encouraging me on. Love to all

Community Champion

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Blubber

 

Yes you are so right it is early days but it does get better.  A friend of mine has a "positives" jar, she writes down something positive every day and then when she is feeling a bit down, she opens the jar and reads them.  Its funny because we met for the first time in 42 years last year and have met up a couple of times since.  The first time we met she wrote a note about us meeting up and said she was going to put it in her jar.

 

I spent a couple of hours in the garden yesterday deadheading the camelia and mowing the verge outside our house, I like to keep it neat in the summer, the Council do it but they just make a mess of it.  There was one day last year when the man approached with his mowing machine took one look at me and went away, I must have scared him off Smiley Happy Smiley Happy

 

Have a lovely Sunday xxx

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Hi Bubbler, just wondered have you ever considered going to the Penny Brohn centre in Bristol? I cannot sing it’s praises highly enough, it’s a charity, feels more like a retreat (it’s a lovely building in beautiful grounds and the food is good), and it’s all free, they mention ways you can support the centre but don’t make you feel obliged in any way. I’ve read that other ladies on here have been, and seem to feel the same way as I do about the place. They now have out reach sessions, in various places around the country, for people who can’t go to Bristol but if you can go there I would, as there’s such a peaceful, relaxing air around the place. You can take someone with you if you wish, I did for the first course, called Living Well, but went alone for the second one, called The Approach. They only have 12 on a course, which includes the people anyone takes with them, so the groups are small. They also have a helpline and run many other sessions on various things. My mum died from an aggressive cancer, again not breast, and can appreciate your feelings. My Onc reassured me there really wasn’t any comparison and I got that, going to Penny Brohn helped me to process things and it was just so reassuring, and helpful in many ways. During the second course you get sessions with a GP who also has an Oncology background, and a nutritionist but nothing is pushed onto you, if you want to miss any sessions then you can, no questions asked. Just thought it may be something you could look into if you haven’t already. Kxx

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Thanks Helena. You're right. I had a few counselling sessions and although I felt it helped I'm not sure that any more would. I'm actually finding this site much more helpful and informative. 

Couldn't sleep last night and ploughed  through various threads. And so many people are just confirming how I feel and their stories of hope and inspiration  are so uplifting.

I feel so lucky, because my story is so much less traumatic than some of the other ladies and I realise that I am still in the early days (6 months post surgery .).  I have so many positives in my life and I'll try to focus on them. 

I've been walking daily and exercises 2/3 times per week. And now tha the weather is improving, I will get into my garden and allotment . 

On the whole I know I'm doing well, but as everyone says, there are times when the gremlins get inside your head and mush it it up. 

Thank you all for your advice and positivity.  

Onwards and upwards. Xx

 

Community Champion

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Bubbler

 

Thats what we are here for, to support each in the good and not so good times, because everyone gets us on here.

 

Oh I so know that one, I remember saying to people when they asked how I was, I would say physically I am really good but psychologically I was about 95% there that was about six months ago.  I am only struggling a bit at the moment because I am waiting for my results from my first post op mammo, but as the wonderful ladies who have gone through this before me have reassured me that it is totally natural to feel that way.

 

Have you thought about having some counselling.  I had six sessions just before I started rads in 2016 as I felt I was coping too well and was scared that I would suddenly crash and burn.  It did wonders for me helping me to put things into perspective and make sense of what I was feeling.

 

Perhaps now the weather looks as if it is getting better try some distraction tactics, I find pottering in my garden and I also do cross stitch which focuses my thoughts and concentration away from it.

 

Helena xxx

 

Member

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Thanks Helena. I just knew one of the "lovely ladies " would respond and give me the encouragement I need at this time. I genuinely  believe that the cancer has gone, I'm on the road to recovery but can't control when my mind works overtime and I start, replaying the last 6 months in my mind and jumping forward to what ifs  and maybes. I think the hardest part of all of this is the emotional part. I've coped with the physical side , but still struggling with the emotions. I'm not sure how to control this. Thanks again for your kind words and thoughts.

 

Bubbler 

Community Champion

Re: Overwhelming emotions

Blubber

 

Sending you a lovely hug.  I am 18 months past surgery and 15 months past end of active treatment. I still get those moments when I get scared but on the whole they are few and far between, the good days far far outweigh the bad, so keep positive xx

 

Know what you mean about taking someone with you, my lovely friend is coming with me to my first annual oncologist apt for moral support and we all need a bit of that from time to time. 

 

I do not know what I would have done had I not found this wonderful forum, purely by accident, and I was 6 weeks past diagnosis and surgery.

 

Have a lovely weekend

 

Helena xxx

 

 

Member

Overwhelming emotions

Hi ladies. Thank goodness for this forum. I have a wonderful, understanding and supportive husband and family, but there are times when only you ladies can help and understand properly.  All is well with me, recoverring from a lumpectomy and removal of 2 lymph nodes ( nothing in comparison to some of the stories I've been reading), but the worry and anxiety is there, lurching under the surface. Recently, I experienced some pain in the vicinity of my scar (axila). After a few weeks of convincing myself it was nothing, then worrying, maybe it was something,  I called my BCN.  She arange an appointment  to see the doctor,  who was wonderful.  Agreed it was nothing, but to reassure me she has arranged for an ultrasound scan. All good so far, but when I left the hospital, I went into a total melt down. I live 10 mins from the hospital,  but by the time I got home, I was inconsolable.  Everything  just came flooding back (6 months post op ). I don't know where it came from. I am moving on with life, and as close to being "back to normal", as I think I'll ever be. The emotions just flooded over me. I'm writing this the morning afterwards, and although I'm still a bit wobbly, I realise that this could be the way of things for some time, I just hope to be better prepared for these feelings, and will take my husband with me to all future appointments,  for support. It feels like a long road ahead, but, hopefully there are more good days than bad. Hang in there ladies.  Your stronger than you think. Love to all