Wow, this is a tough one, I can see why he is refusing as a proud and independent man......its a lot to take on mentally. He has always been the one caring for your mother, and she him, and having someone 'external' come in and take over his role and 'invade their privacy' must feel really unbearable. Of course he, and you, are also trying to process the fact that your mother is in a position of needing palliative care. It sounds like they are still continuing chemo to prolong life, and just wanted you to know that I have been supporting someone for 2 years who is on palliative chemo and is still doing well on it. It is very early days yet in this journey for them, and to be focused on the treatment options would be something many would do at this point. You mention that 'the plan was put to your father' as if he wasn't present for that discussion - I think if he wasn't present then this is something that he needs hear himself from the consultant. In the UK we have breast cancer nurses who would be able to take over this role from you, as the only daughter, does that exist in the US?
I can see your perspective, as you know your parents and you know they WILL need help and you need some peace of mind yourself. How about tackling it slightly differently? - say that this is a plan 'for the future' when they do need help and you appreciate that they don't right at this moment. It sounds like for the moment they are ok and she is able to deal with her needs ? He may not feel so pressured than and as if decisions are being taken away from them. It sounds, from what you are saying that your parents are both compos mentis and therefore unless there is a safe-guarding situation, where they are perceived to be at risk, they can make their own decision. So, discuss with them both choosing the people they do want to come and have it all set up and ready to go 'for the future'. Then it will all be ready and in place for the time that he is no longer able to deal with the situation, and hopefully they can build a bond with one or two carers in advance and feel more able to put trust in them. You could discuss this privately with the care palliative care companies, that there is resistance, and it will be something they are used to dealing with I'm sure. You can phrase it all fairly positively 'this is about keeping you both at home together', 'this is about making things easier for you at a time when you need a bit of extra support'...I'm sure you've tried some of those things already though.
I hope someone else comes along who has experienced this situation, I think it just needs very careful handling and eventually he will see that help is needed.
My mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and the oncologist said her situation is somewhat untreatable. I am upset and don't know what to do next. I'm an only child, and I'm living away from my home state. I can, however, fly up as needed to take her to hospitals and will do this. But I can't stay here to take care of her at this situation. The oncologist referred to make use of firms providing in-home palliative care near Toronto to get better care for my mom. When I told my father about the plan, he is refusing to hire a caregiver. My mother is weak but still movable and can take care of herself to an extent. My dad is focusing on chemo and other treatment options. When I ask him to hire a caregiver, he is freaking out as if it's her last day today. I don't know what to do. I understand he is afraid of losing her, but I also want her to get the care she needs at this situation. How could I convince my father to hire a caregiver? Can someone offer some advice? Any ideas would be helpful.